Ah sheesh will the shit ever end? Am I destined to have days when I feel fucking awesome and can take on some of the world, beautifully intertwined with days when I’m sat with Noah in his sling trying to stop him squirming, straining and grunting loudly with me crying because for the love of Lucifer the little guy just can’t settle as he ralphs for the umpteenth time?
I’m tired. I’m so very tired. Don’t get me wrong, he sleeps really well at night. He also has considerable naps during the day. But now I don’t sleep. I lie there, thinking about all the latest crap that people have dished at me, wondering what kind of person I am, what kind of person I should be, whether I should change for myself or for others, to make Noah’s environment far better or just to help myself out.
Fact is, I’m just not really cut out for this I think. Who am I kidding? I can barely look after myself, let alone this gorgeous baby boy I somehow managed to bring into the world. Would he be better off with a different mom? If I just had visitation rights every so often when I’m feeling strong enough to manage him? Lately I sit there with him on my lap and wonder if he really is mine or if someone else should have him and I’m just doing them a favour by looking after him. I hate that feeling of detachment, it’s very lonely.
I guess I thought that feeling of ‘oh he belongs to someone else, they’ll come for him soon’ would have gone by now. I thought I’d have gotten over it and moved on and really started to enjoy him. I feel like I’m doing a job, not something that comes naturally to me. It sucks because it makes me feel like a failure.
I also thought I’d still be able to deal with my own problems. I expected to be back on my feet feeling perfectly (reasonably) ok within 6 weeks to 3 months. I didn’t expect to develop tendonitis in my left hand. How much fun has playing the cello become now… I didn’t anticipate the vivid memories and reminders of sciatica and SPD to still be so strong at this point. I want to walk everywhere and still I struggle. My left hip sometimes feels like it’s been shattered and my damn crotch feels like an elephant may have been jumping on it while I was trying/pretending/wondering if I would ever get to sleep. Sometimes when I get out of bed I can’t put any weight on my legs because my knees can’t support me. Which then makes me feel like a fat loser. I’m thinking there’s a no-win situation here.
I’m also not cut out for so many other things. I can’t cope with politics, other peoples issues which started out trivial and became mammoth, back stabbing, gossiping, all the freaking crap that you wonder if you should have to take from people you’ve known for so very long, and had put your trust in them.
I sit and think about finding a way out, and it reminds me of how I used to do that with my Old Friend nearly 10 years ago. The outcome was never ever good. I also remember saying that there was no way I would ever go down that path of thought again. But how do you stop it? When you’re weak, and tired, and you wonder who to turn to, and aren’t really sure who can support you when you really need it most, how do you deal with it?
I knew this wouldn’t be a breeze, I’m not that naive. I know it is a breeze for some people though. I guess I thought I was stronger than this, and had placed a whole deal of stuff on myself without actually realising it. So what do I do? I guess what everyone else expects; put on a brave face and keep ploughing on.
I wonder why we do that.