The one thing I hate about being in my thirties is hearing about illness and death. When I was growing up it was my friends great grandparents that were ill or dying now it is my friends parents. One of my closest friends, she is 36, lost her father 2 years ago and her mother is currently undergoing treatment for cancer. Another of my closest friends, 38 years old, has lost her dad and mum in the last 6 years. An orphan at 38 – that’s not right and not fair! I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose a parent and I hope I don’t for at least another 20 years. You think your mum and dad will be around forever.
I do know I am terrified, terrified that I will die young and leave my children whilst they are still small. A friend of mine just dropped dead at the age of 33. She had a 3 month old and a 3 year old. Yesterday I heard a wife in her thirties came downstairs and found her husband, 31 year, dead on the sofa. Both unexpected and without complications. No drugs involved and no-one knew they were going to die, not even them.
I found a lump this week in my neck. I know I should go to the doctors to get it checked out. I am too scared. What if they find something? I also haven’t had a period for 3 months. No, I am not pregnant but I am prone to have early menopause and think this may be it. But lack of periods can also mean ‘cancer’. Do I want to know? No.
I feel very fortunate that nothing has happened to me and I have got to be in my late thirties without having been mugged, raped or even murdered. I have escaped illness. The odd bout of tonsillitis but that’s all. I can’t be lucky forever. I am terrified though that it will happen it will come and happen quickly. I am actually more scared that my life will be taken before I get to see my kids get into secondary school, get GSCE’s etc than I am for my parents dying. Does that sound selfish?
I think about it a lot about death – especially when I look at my children and I wonder how long I have left with them. Yes, I know I sound like someone who is dying and I am not. But I am scared I will soon. My body is beginning to feel a little worn around the edges. I hope that the lump and lack of periods are just stress and no more. But I also think I am heading towards 40 and this is inevitable. People die young. I have to hold onto the thought that these friends I know who have lost someone young are exceptions. I can only pray that it’s not going to be my time soon.
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Please go to see the doctor! You owe it to yourself and your children.
Thank you for sharing, very brave!
Wow, I'm taken a back I could actually have written this myself. Although I'm slightly younger at almost 33 and I lost my dad when I was 25. I too have a lump in my neck and all my other glands, I'm waiting to see a specialist and everytime I look at my 3 year old and 1 year old it breaks my heart that I don't live to see them grow up. I don't want to be gready, if I see them until they are in their 20s then I will feel well and truly blessed. More would be an extra bonus. I probably haven't helped by saying this but at least we are not alone in feeling this way. Huge hugs xx
You must go to the doctor, really. It will put your mind at rest. I have the same fears – I have quite a few friends who have died young and left their children behind – but I'm sure it will help with the fear if you face it head on. I'm a fine one to talk – I don't do that myself in other areas of my life – but I would go and see and I'm sure it's absolutely nothing. It is a hard step but you'll feel so much better.
Please do go to your doctor, you do need to know. I think we're all scared of death, but having children takes that fear and repackages as something much more terrible. You are not selfish to put seeing your children grow up above losing your parents, but your fear is obviously consuming you and that will be having an affect on your day-to-day life. It will really help you to do something positive, to address your fear and prevent it from taking up any more of your life. Good luck Px
The way I see it, you should go to the doctor. It's a win win situation. If it's nothing to worry about then you'll know and can stop worrying. If it is something to worry about then you will be treated. Please don't leave it. It is difficult when you hear about people dying. We have lost two friends to cancer in the last year, so we now live each day like we're on borrowed time, not worrying about the future, but making the most of each day and enjoying our children. Take care x
I'm 29. I have a 1 year old boy, and earlier this year I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I had 2 choices, I could beat it, or I could let it beat me. I went for option 1.
I have 2 chemo treatments left, and a scan early on showed that the cancer is gone. I don't intend on going anywhere, I am kicking it's ass and I intend to watch my little boy grow up, get married and have kids of his own.
Please go to the dcotors!!x
I think your worries are normal and reasonable and worries that all of us have from time to time. Motherhood brings with it tremendous love and an overwhelming sense of responsibility so naturally an enormous fear of not being there.
Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away or get better. You MUST go to the Dr’s. Imagine if your worse fear comes true and you are diagnosed with cancer only to told that you’d left it too late and had you seen someone sooner you could have survived?! Imagine what your children would think if your crippling fear made it all so much worse?!
Having survived a serious illness, major surgeries and confrontation of death I promise you that we have an enormous capacity to deal with whatever is thrown at us and confronting and battling head on is the ONLY way to go.
All the best
Lottie -x-
If you have cancer and it is diagnosed, you can beat it. If you let it go, you can't. Please go to the doctor. I think like you I would feel too scared to go. I would rather hide and forget about it. And I hope somebody would make me go. By writing this you opened yourself up for a whole bunch of us to beg you to go to the doctor. I reckon that was a brave thing to do.
I can only echo what the other comments say – please go to the Dr. Knowing will help whatever he says. As for thinking about dying, it is something that I do especially when I'm under a lot of stress & feel uncertain about things. Try to get to the Dr & take things one step at a time!
Please go to the doctor. It may be something – it may be nothing. Knowing is only going to give you more options to live and avoid dying. I think the thought & fear of dying and leaving our children is something that lurks ominously at the back of most parent's minds. I know I'm occasionly gripped by that feeling of panic when I hear of another mum or dad that has died young.
I also think you're incredibly brave for admitting your fear of going to the doctor to find out what is causing this lump. Remember fight or flight are basic human instincts. The skill is knowing the right time to do which one.
I too could have written this post. I am terrified of death and dying. My dad died 3 years ago which didn't help. You are not alone in your fears, but you must see the doctor for your children's sake at least.
M2M x
Go to the doctor. Put your mind at rest. We all gotta go sometime, but give yourself every chance to live the longest time. Me , i'm going for 80, being somewhat eccentric, and having great granchildren bring me soup !!