I’ve been struggling recently. I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of a jug and someone keeps pouring things in. I’m struggling against the tide and I don’t know what to do. I can’t blog about this on my blog as my mom, dad & stepmom & neighbours read it. You know me as the mum of a Little Miss and the American wife of an Englishman. I’m not afraid to have you know me…I just don’t want my nearest & dearest to read this. I’m not ready for them to know because I’m quite talented at putting on a good face. I have trouble admitting that everything ISN’T okay. But I need to get it off my chest.
Things haven’t been the same since my daughter was born two years ago. I’ve been a nervous mother with a very over-active imagination. In the two years that my daughter has been in my life, I have spent only 1 night away from her…and that wasn’t even with my husband! In fact, it’s only recently that I have started to let go a bit and have my inlaws take her for an afternoon once a week. Even then, when I drive away, I worry. I worry about the inground pool in the back garden. I worry they won’t watch her as vigilantly as they should. I worry about EVERYTHING! I worry about her being taken away from me too soon. I worry about her being taken away from me at all. I have acquaintances who have lost children to illness and accident. I don’t know that I could bear that. When Little Miss was a tiny baby, I would rock her and cry…worrying about a day when I wasn’t there for her.
My relationship with my husband has changed somewhat. Neither of us makes the effort we should. We both love each other completely but it seems like we’ve put on the Mummy & Daddy caps and have assumed that role entirely. We don’t go out on dates; we don’t make time to do things together; we sit on the couch after having dinner and watch telly and then I fall asleep on the couch. Our physical relationship is much different. Before having my daughter we had a very active and happy physical relationship. I initiated a lot…he reciprocated. We laughed and screamed and loved being together. I feel like a switch has been flipped now. Something happened when Little Miss made her way into the world. Maybe she tripped a wire on the way out? I don’t feel sexy. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel like a woman any longer. I feel devoid of passion. My husband tells me he loves me and wants me and is turned on by me but my heart doesn’t believe it. How could he want to touch my body now…one that still looks 6 months pregnant? I don’t want to see me…why would he?
I hate my physical self. I still look like I’m 6 months pregnant. My stomach is a disaster zone and I’ve had 3 people in the last month ask me when my baby’s due. I TALK about being unhappy with myself but I don’t DO anything about it. I talk myself out of going for a walk because of my separation-anxiety ridden dog who will bark the neighbourhood down if we leave him at home alone. All I have to do is START. So why am I so afraid to do it? I’ll be 40 in 4 months. If I knuckled down and worked out I could potentially lose 15-16 lbs! What a difference that would make! What is stopping me?
I had a group of friends after Little Miss was born. We found each other because of our daughters. We attended classes together, had coffee mornings, went on walks, had Mummy’s Nite Off! We had fun. I had friends of my own for the first time! They weren’t my husband’s friends who took me in by default. They were my friends who I had something in common with. As our girls got older, we drifted apart somewhat. Some of the mums went back to work, others started attending other classes. I organised play groups, walks, coffee mornings. They came and then suddenly they didn’t. Excuses were the order of the week…can’t make it…something else going on…sorry… I began to feel that it was pointless to organise anything, to put myself out there only to be brushed aside. I stopped organising things. I started staying in the house more. I backed into my shell and was reluctant to come out. It’s safe in my four walls.
I started writing a blog. I found success in it. I found acquaintances and friends. People started knowing who I was. I started getting invited to various events and was picked up on the PR radar a few times. I was ecstatic! I was finally achieving and getting things I wanted. I started freelance writing and even got paid for it. But with success came more anxiety. Why wasn’t I more successful? Why did THAT blog do better than mine? Why didn’t I get invited to that event? When were people going to start noticing me? Why could’t I pitch a successful story to a magazine? Why did women have to be so nasty? I started falling into the blogging trap…trusting people I shouldn’t have; stepping on the toes of some; trying to be too many things to too many people. I based my happiness on whether my blog was moving up the rankings and getting noticed. I grew frustrated with trying to understand how it all worked and why I couldn’t seem to crack it. I was stupid…why should I care what other people think?
I care about what other people think because I want people to like me. I want people to think that everything is perfect. And it’s not. I adore my husband yet I struggle to talk to him about this? My inlaws have no idea that I have these thoughts…they think I’m a perfectly wonderful daughter in law. I don’t like to ask for help…I like to think that I can handle everything but I am realising that I can’t. I’ve even gone to my GP to talk about depression. He asked a few questions and agreed that it sounds like mild depression. He referred me to counselling but only after I asked for it. He was ready to hand out a prescription. I wasn’t ready to need a prescription. I went for an assessment and the counsellor felt that I was suffering more from “low mood” or “mild depression”. She recommended either self-help work on my own or guided therapy where we’d meet once every two weeks to work through these negative thoughts. I agreed to the latter. I had to cancel our first appointment as I was sick. The rescheduled appointment came and went because my inlaws let me down and couldn’t watch Little Miss. I nearly lost my opportunity for help. But I rang and scheduled an appointment for 2 weeks from now. I have to attend this meeting.
I’ve tried to talk myself into being “fine” and “happy” but I don’t seem to be listening. The voices in my head are negative and discouraging. I seem to be clinging to the tiny bright spots like a great email or my daughter bouncing on the trampoline and thinking that will make the negative just fade away. But it won’t, will it? I have to deal with this. I have to admit that I can’t figure it out myself. I have to admit that I’m not perfect (!) and need to reassess. Why do I get myself into these messes? I’m tired of sitting at the bottom of my jug and watching everything pour in and doing nothing to stop it. Maybe it’s time to stand up, climb out of the jug and put the lid on?
-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-
This post was written by an anonymous blogger, via Blognonymous. If you want to Blognonymous, please have a read and get in touch, any time. Comments are appreciated, even if you think you’re repeating what’s already been said. Sometimes you can never hear some things often enough.
Many thanks.
Lovely lady. I'm no good at this sort of thing, but if you were sitting next to me now, I'd pass you a cupcake (a chocolate one, I think), a big mug of tea and say: 'you're not alone'. Looking back, I think I felt much the same as you do now. With the benefit of a good few years I can see that I was a worrier, that I didn't 100% trust my Mum and Dad with the kids (and definitely not my in-laws), that I was uncertain with friendships (still am) and let stuff get on top of me. My Mum always says 'it's just a phase' and I'm only beginning to see how right she is now. Life with small people is hard. It's hard on you personally and it's hard on your relationship. I don't know how to advise you, but I'd just say hold on, things change as your littlies grow, you find more time for yourself (and each other) you meet different people (like when they start school), and things get easier. Rely on all of us – we're nice, and we're all reaching down and giving you a hand out of that jug xx
I don't know where to start….I'm so sorry that you feel this way, but so pleased that you felt able to share. I wish I could help, wish I could take you out of yourself and let you look back in and see all the (many, many) good things.
What I can say is that I genuinely believe that the first 2 years after your first child are the WORST! Not only are you going through a massive transition from childless woman to mother, your relationships change (all of them) and your physical appearance changes completely. It's an awful lot to take on and it's not surprising that so many of us find it difficult.
I wonder if you're setting yourself unreasonable goals, making it impossible for you to achieve them? You talk about losing 15-16lbs in 4 months – that's a huge amount!! Why not aim for 1lb a month? In a year's time you'd have lost 12lbs – that's significant but achievable.
I know exactly how you feel about worrying and really feel for you that your own parents are not closer and able to help – trusting your inlaws completely can be very tough. Little Miss is very young and it's perfectly natural for you to feel like this – little by little it will change, but don't berate yourself for your instinctive drive to nurture your child.
Please, please don't be so hard on yourself – take small steps, take the separation-anxiety dog with you, run to the end of the street and back. Go and do something with your husband that makes you both laugh – remember the person you used to be. But most of all, talk and keep talking – people will listen and they'll keep listening – I promise. xxx
Yes yes, hands up, I remember this phase too. And it is a phase. You can't see it now because you're in it and it seems endless but it will pass. It will. And then you'll have a whole set of other things to worry about like school and making sure you're a good enough mum to help with their homework etc!
I have to say with age it gets better too. I'm 41 now and can honestly say I don't care what others say or think. I am comfortable in my own skin and with how I parent my children. But it didn't happen overnight.
And hubby and I are starting to get more time together too now as the children are happy to stay over at friends' and relatives.
It is tough having little ones. Really really tough.
But it is worth it. all these sacrifices, it is worth it. And one day you will look back and say you know what, that Tara/English Mum/Paula were so right!
x
I agree. Age makes a big difference in how much you worry.
I'm going to call you. NOW. xx
I'm hoping that writing this post has made you feel a bit lighter, got some stuff off your chest? It must be so hard not being able to talk about it openly. I think Paula has given some great advice above – set yourself small, realistic goals so you start achieving them and feeling more positive about yourself.
Having had counselling in the past myself, I really think that it will help you. It's just good to be able to take some time-out to think about yourself for a little while, something us mums get little chance to do.
Wish I lived closer, as the babies and I would be regular visitors if we did.
x
English Mum is right, you are far from alone. Since my smalls came along there has been nothing but worry, are they safe, might they hurt themselves, will they be snatched, I have to fight it every day. I trust my Mother and my sisters and my sister in law and one local friend to look after them (my MIL can't look after herself!) but nobody else, my family is not local and my friend works and has 5 children of her own (yes, 5!) so you can tell how often in the last nearly four years any me time occurs, it has got easier, my son has just started nursery so a can grab a few hours every now and then and it is a good nursery.
I don't find it easy to make friends, I can relate to most people as acquaintances but real friends are hard for me for some reason.
Due to my underactive Thyroid I have bouts of depression, tend to shy away from going out when I'm feeling down, don't always make an effort to "pull myself together" actually recognising that this is where my problem lies has helped a lot.
I refuse to get into the competitive blog bit, it is my space to do with what I will if people want to share in that and comment I'm thrilled, it helps me just to post things that fly around my head and I know I'm never going to be a great blogger and be sent great stuff and I'm ok with that (although freebees would be marvelous!)
So here I end up, behind my PC sharing my thoughts with Twitter and it seems to me, a lot of people in the same sort of boat…
(((hugs))) Sorry I have no solution to offer .xx
Firstly, you have to have a hug – no TWO hugs – one for being brave in writing this post & one for how you are feeling. I have read through the comments & they are all excellent. I know if you can get to that appointment & have the chance to start to unpick it all in a safe environment, it will help. I hope by reading that you are not alone & that so many people especially women share your feelings you will also feel better. You d onot feel it but you are a very strong person!
First of all, it's good news that you have recognized these issues this early. You are doing the right thing to try to get a hold of the situation now instead of going twenty more years and ending up one of these couples who don't recognize each other after the kids leave. So many times Mothers fall into this trap. I can't tell you how many friends I have lost once they've had children. They become so immersed in being a Mum they lose themselves and many times their relationships with their spouses.
I do think there is some kind of switch that gets flipped when a woman has a baby. I went through it and I know tons of women who did the same. All of the sudden you're aware of your mortality because you have someone who depends on you. So you worry about yourself and you worry about keeping them perfectly safe. You worry about everything! Sometimes this gets better with your second child. Maybe you're too tired or just more experienced so the worrying wanes a bit. I only have one child so the worry continued. Unfortunately, my worry snowballed year after year until I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Now, I have depression and anxiety in my family so all this simply triggered something that was there already. It doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. Just be conscious of what you're doing to yourself (and it sounds like you are.)
My son is 18 and even though he is now driving (and that was tough, believe me), I don't worry as much as I used to. (Trust me, this took time and therapy.) What I'm now trying to focus on is my relationship with my husband, because like yours, something is missing. It's like the kids come in the house and the sex goes out the window. Not just that but sometimes affection and even eye contact too. It's very sad. But just know that you are not alone, in fact, you are very much the norm. It's a combination of our society putting a demand on us to do more, be more, be a SUPER mom and a SUPER wife, etc. And sometimes the blogosphere doesn't help because you start comparing yourself to other mums there too.
It sounds like you are on the right path by speaking with someone. Keep working toward doing that. Many people poo-poo therapy and some people are very self-conscious about it but it does help to talk to an objective person. As you can probably tell, I'm American and we are pros at talking about our feelings. I do a lot of it on my new blog. You are welcome to join me there any time. Just know that you are not alone and many of us can relate to what you are going through.
One of the most difficult things about feeling depressed, or anxious is the feeling of being isolated. I know this because I experienced it first hand. So let me say first, you aren't alone, irrespective of how you feel. Irrespective of how much 'better' other people, other mothers, other English people, seem to be doing, you are not alone. If there's only one thing Blogonomous can achieve it should be this: to provide a place for support.
We're here to support you.
I know how it feels to have a young child, and to feel alone in a new country. I did it. When my daughter was 14 weeks old I packed up my home, my business, all my friends and my toddler and moved with my husband to Brisbane. They were very dark days. I cannot remember her first steps, or her first words. All I can remember is this constant mantra going through my head 'I want to die'. All day, every day. At least 20x a day. I lost myself. Not just my business and my identity and my friends and support systems I'd established with my first child, but I lost me – the me who could laugh. The day the clever doctor sneakily suggested I take some Prozac, quite possibly saved my life. I'm not ready to talk about how bad my thoughts got, or how desperate I felt. But that day I remembered how to laugh.
LIke you I was new in a country, and in a new role (stay at home Mum) and my husband felt pressured by work commitments. He even worked on the other side of the continent during the week whilst I stayed home with the kids. We ran out of money. It was horrible.
I think one of the problems you're experiencing is that the English are jolly difficult to get to know. They are aloof, they don't really want to know the ins and outs of your situation. Any hint of unhappiness is like a neon sign that alerts them to stay away!! I know because I'm an outgoing person and yet it's taken me at least two years to make friends here. It's not that they don't care, I think over-sharing (in their eyes) makes them run for the hills! Perhaps you could foster the relationships you have with the US expats you know, or have met via the blog. In a sense you're in the same boat, and they could be very helpful in providing you with enough support to try again with the locals.
The relationship with your husband must hurt you both. If only you could keep your anxiety in check, a weekend away, just the two of you could work wonders. Your anxiety about your little girl is a problem, particularly as she's now getting older and with movement and terrible twos comes maximum trouble IMHO!) Children come into a family I believe. If the parents are not rock-solid and happy then it will affect the child eventually. You do love your husband very much, but I suspect you're frustrated that he cannot see the world from your pov. How limited you feel. How much you grieve for your former self. For the sacrifices you've made being here with him.
Having some time for you to step back out of the role of Mummy and back to the role of wife and lover could do your own self-esteem so much good.
I'm not sure how helpful this is…but I had torn muscles, significant damage (skin and otherwise), a full hernia from top to bottom, split diasis muscles and three c-section scars that had split open. I could do all the situps and crunches I wanted but nothing but surgery was going to bring those muscles back together again. My surgeon thankfully even called it reconstructive surgery so most of it was covered by insurance. But I did lose a lot of weight before I had the surgery, and I had to be certain I wasn't going to have another child. If the situation is similar in your case maybe it would help to know that it isn't anything you've failed at. Those muscles will not magically knit back together. And maybe then you could give yourself a bit of a break. Your body hasn't failed you, but it has had a hard time and doesn't deserve berating.
You don't deserve berating. When you head on out there to do some exercise try this wee trick: don't think about how much weight you want to lose, instead concentrate on how strong you're becoming and how that strength will help you manage your demanding life! (I know I'm not the best ad for exercise right now, but being here in the UK is like being on a carb-loading diet!!! ;-p)
I hope some of this is helpful. Chin up, you're doing fine. I think you just need to remember that people do care, and that you need a break. And the person who needs to give you a break, most of all…….is you!! xx
Oh honey
You are so not alone here. I have had so many time since Kai was born where I felt like this. Things pick up for a while and then you get buried again under a mountain of worries and pressures, self-imposed and otherwise.
For me its about making the most of those times where it lifts, and riding out the time when it descends. Celebrate the things that go well, and let go of the things you don't. Simple as that. It's about knowing you are loved JUST AS YOU ARE and that sometimes staying still is ok. It's about not always feeling like you have to BETTER. It's ok to stop sometimes. In any case, time pushes on so relentlessly. Nothing stays the same and you won't stay where you are.
Be kind to yourself ok? I wish I had the magic answer, but just keep swimming my lovely friend. And know I have enormous respect and affection for you, as do so many other people I know.
You are loved and you are doing just fine xxxx
I couldn't read this and not send you a ((Big Hug)).
xxxx
I agree with all the comments above so no point repeating them.
I've suffered from depression on and off for many years. I find the best thing that helps me is exercise. I know it might sound cliche but you really do get a buzz and feel better after doing some form of exercise. You could start with walks with your baby or when hubby comes home from work join a class. It's also a great way to meet new people. The first time is the worst so don't beat yourself up if you aren't as good as everyone else, persevere, it will be worth it in the end.
Hope you feel better soon xx
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. But however hopeless things may sometimes seem, you are dealing with it – you've gone to the doctors and asked for help – and you've committed yourself to sticking with it even though it's not always easy finding the childcare. You've reached out to folk by posting this too. You're already taking those first steps in trying to feel better.
It's perfectly normal, understandable and common to feel less than your sexy self when you have a small child/children. Being a mum can be exhausting. Being a first time mum changes your life profoundly in all sorts of ways – it is a time of immense physical and social upheaval – and I think everyone can struggle to a certain degree. I'm sure that most mums reading this can relate to how you're feeling – I know I can.
Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself well. Is it possible for you to do a bit of gentle exercise a couple of times a week – perhaps swimming or walking with your dog? Exercise releases endorphins and other feel good chemicals in your brain, and it also increases your energy levels.
Sending you lots of virtual moral support. I hope things begin to feel better for you soon.
I don't think I can add any more to what the others have said. You are NOT alone. I had bad PND when my 2nd son was born. It was horrible. I felt like I didn't have anyone. I got through it. You will get through it. *hugs* xx
I will say this again although everyone has expressed it – you are sooo not alone. I can relate to EVERYTHING you say, without exception. Becoming a mum is not just about suddenly having a child to care for, there is so much more that changes. You start to think existentially, realise what could happen and so stop taking risks, your relationship with your partner totally changes, your body changes, sex life changes, relationship with your own parent changes. Noone tells you this do they?! Whether it is depression or not, that is just a label, just know that all these feels are *normal*. YOu must go to these counselling sessions, particular as you don't feel you can talk to any of your family (which breaks my heart).
I second Greenie01's comment about exercise too. Try and steal time for that, it would help on so many levels.
Everyone has talked a lot of sense here, so i hope you feel at least a little reassured.
Much love, xx
I can only echo what everyone else has said and said you a big hug xxx
That should say give you a big hug! Sorry!
Wow, such a heartfelt post I really had to comment. I have no kiddies but I really know how you feel about the worrying about everything and negative thinking – it has been a big part in my life. I din't take any help early on, and kept thinking that I "should" be able to cope by myself…. I ended up getting a lot worse but am now getting the help I need. The counselling will be very important for you, hopefully it will help you to change your negative thinking patterns & help you to start living again. I know how it feels when you feel everything is on top of you – but you will get there – you just need to accept some help and take it slowly. Lots of luv xxx
Reading your post I recognise some of my own feelings in there. My mother used to tell me I was obsessed with my son and that I needed to let go a bit. Looking back I think she was right. I stopped socialising because I thought going out would make me a 'bad mother'. I became very lonely and lost people who I thought were friends. Like you I couldn't find a way out but finally I had to say enough was enough. The first step, doing something for the first time is alway always the hardest but once you've done it it gets so much easier.
When you become a mother people put you in the mummy box and forget about the person you were before, and I think as mothers we do too. You need to find something thats all about you again, you need selfish time. Exercise, something creative, an educational/post grad course of some kind. An outlet where you can just focus on you and regain your confidence.
Please try and talk to your husband, it did me the world of good and these men are sometimes more enlightened than we give them credit for.
Big hugs xx
I have been going through a similar situation. After my first child was born, I focused my whole life on him, especially after he took a ferbrile convulsion and stopped breathing. I thought I had lost him and he became my soul focus. I did everything for him and shut my husband out. We sorted things out but not before things came to a head and I now have trust issues with him. Then came my second child and things went downhill on the mood front. I spoke to my health visitor who was there for me, she understood as she sees people like this everyday and she was a mother herself.
I think you should try speak to a healthvisitor they understand better than doctors do and can put you in touch with people who can help. They can also speak to your doctor like mine did.
I can't tell you I'm cured as I'm still at counselling but I have improved and you will too. Hang in there and if you ever want to chat I will listen along with all the people who have commented here. Luv n hugs xx
I'd like to thank all the wonderful women who have commented here on Jay's lovely site and my post. It is exceptionally reassuring to know that so many of us are experiencing or have experienced the same things. I am getting support and help and knowing that so many of you are there as well is a wonderful thing. Thank you to Jay and all of the other Blognonymous bloggers for giving us "safe harbour". I'll keep you posted…albeit not necessarily on MY blog!
Love and Hugs…Karin
I'm very late to this, but just to say, I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced at least some of this in their first couple of years of motherhood. It's a really tough adjustment. But it does get so so much better. I promise. It's great that you have found the courage to talk about it, and hopefully you'll sort some stuff out. But just have heart that we've all been through it and we've all come out the other side x
I'm late too and am echoing all the wonderful women up there. Being a Mum is HARD, everything changes over night and it's a shock. It does get easier as they get older (my oldest is 14 and my youngest is 4), keep talking lovely. Big hugs to you from one who has come out the other side. xxx
Just come across this and lovely I'm so sorry you feel this way. I felt much the same when L was born and I have to confess I didn't got back to work until she 3, purely because I wouldn't leave her with anyone else until she could talk and let me know if someone hurt her – you are not the only paranoid Mummy out there. But because I didn't get a break, me time or time off I didn't feel very desirable, or wifelike anymore, so I know how you feel. if you ever want to talk, get away just call me and come over for a visit xx
I couldn't find this post again after seeing it flagged the other day but Tara's just linked to it and I found my way back.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've been there, believe me. I ended up on antidepressants and hammering down the door of Relate. I'm still dealing with the over anxiety thing on the harm they could come to.
You are doing the right thing in seeing your doctor – even if you don't feel ready for a prescription, the talking will help. It's very normal not to feel sexy or like your normal self for a good while. Little Miss is still quite little.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself. We all think you're doing great. You are so not alone.
I've been in just the place you are now. I still have bad days but the good days are so much better than they were. All the comments here have given such good advice, I hope they give you hope that things will get better. For me, counselling helped massively. Big hugs x