I’m fully aware that I didn’t get to spend much time with some of those who I really admire and wanted to meet at BlogHer ’10.
Oh, don’t get me wrong! The time I did spend with the people I did was truly fucking awesome. I loved every MINUTE with them! But there was one disturbing discussion I was having with Jen, The Bloggess, which I felt didn’t cover nearly as much ground as it should have done, and I’m now feeling nervous that the subject was left unclosed.
We got to discussing zombies. I cannot remember how it came about, but we did. It doesn’t matter how we got to discussing this, it’s not important. And we were pretty sure that we weren’t zombies. And then I asked her if she was going to Sparklecorn and CheeseBurgher.
Hmmm. CheeseBurgher.
And then I remembered something.
A good while ago, I saw a link on twitter about old burgers. VERY. Old. Burgers. I had seen a picture of 2 burgers. One was pretty much as fresh as they come. The other…
Well, the other, wasn’t.
These 2 burgers are 12 years apart in age.
I looked at the article only 30 seconds ago (click on the pic) and already I can’t remember which one is which.
I cannot tell which is the fucking 12 year old burger. To me, they both look surprisingly…recent. What the fuck?
So, whilst talking to Jen about Zombies and their fucking invincibility and whether the CIA had cottoned on to their perpetual existence and were gonna come tearing in to rip the whole joint apart, I suddenly wondered if burgers, and more importantly cheeseburgers, and perhaps even more importantly CHEESEBURGHERS might be responsible for some kind of zombie invasion.
Do you understand where this shit is going? Needless to say, we have obviously uncovered some deep dark secret. And there is proof!
Point the first: LOADS OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ILL SINCE BLOGHER ’10. I’ve watched the twitter streams and have observed how many people have been feeling really rough. There were an awful lot of people at Cheeseburgher. I have no idea how many cheeseburghers were consumed. I ate half a cheeseburger. This week I woke up with cramps like I have never known on the face of this earth, and spent 4 hours in the bathroom in the middle of the night discovering the fastest way to lose 3.5lbs.
Info the second: Clearly, burgers live forever. As do zombies. Lets face it, who really knows how to kill a zombie? They always come back somehow. As do burgers. You know you’re gonna see that burger again real soon. And clearly, if you don’t? Well it’s going to sit in your system. Forever. So you will live forever. As a zombie.
Example the third: My left ear has been in an awful lot of pain. Many blame the altitudes; living on the 27th floor of the Hilton, up and down the lifts all day – maybe I burst an ear drum or have an ear infection? OR MAYBE ZOMBIES ARE NOMMING MY BRAINZ.
I should stress, I blame CheeseBurgher for NOTHING. But still, there was a fucking big McDonalds just around the corner from the hotel. Would have been an easy trip for many. An easy trip down a one-way zombie avenue.
I really need to finish this discussion with The Bloggess. Especially as I’m craving burgers right now.
You, young lady are a genius, you have discovered one of the universe's great mysteries. And this is why I have not eaten a McDonalds for about 20 years. I'd get a doctor to look in that ear of yours. It sounds nasty.
I think you may have uncovered a scientific breakthrough here. Burgers may be the only thing to withstand a nuclear war. Like cockroaches they could be indestructable. The military will be knocking on your door any moment. Run. RUN!
Is it wrong that I want a burger now, even though it may turn me into a zombie….
Amen. I ate two cheeseburgers and I've been feeling zombie-like ever since. Victor says it's "jet-lag". Victor is in on the conspiracy, obviously.
Jenny…I'm pretty sure it was the mysterious "wrap" that did you in at Blogher. I warned you about that.
I think zombie burgers are much more dangerous than zombie people. To dispose of a zombie for good, you must slice off it's head. Anything else it can do without. But a burger is round. No head. So you can't destroy it.
OMFG best post ever!
Jay. JAY. pissing. myself. with laughing.
genius.
fuck. I like ate 3 cheeseburgHers……. I think I am going to die.
This makes me feel better about not eating beef, clearly beef makes zombies, but then again it's impossible to know what those patties are made of…beef, soy, ground up zombie meat. Appreciate the enlightenment though, I'll be sure to pass the news along.
Also it was a pleasure meeting you on the carpet at Blogher. I have some photos of you wearing a tutu on your head, I can forward them if you like. I can't use them to blackmail you since you were fully clothed at the time but I'm sure you could add them to your Blogher album.