Two years ago, D’s Grandma died when Noah was about 5 or 6 months old. She never met Noah, despite the fact that her nursing home was only 10 minutes drive from our house. I never really knew her; her mind was “gone” for most of the time I knew her, and she had no idea who I was. I often felt uncomfortable, yet I always feel guilty for not taking him. D almost never visited her; he wanted to remember her how she used to be. So…yeah the whole thing was very strange for me.
My Grandfather is in Jamaica. He is in his late 80s, and surprisingly still a spring chicken. He was still climbing trees over there maybe 8 years ago, and as a minister over there, he often drives nearly 100 miles most days, visiting churches and people. His mind is starting to go; I’m pretty sure he had a very minor stroke in the last 2 years. Noah has met him, although he was only 3 months old. Granddad has never seen Isaac in the flesh.
And here lies the guilt. My mom is organising the whole family to go over and see him this year for what will most likely be the last time. D and I need to find flights and accommodation for us and the boys, in the school holidays. Peak time. Everyone else is going for 2 weeks. We can barely afford to go for one.
At the moment, D is working just about every humanly possible, running on about 4-5 hours sleep a night. He sees the boys, on average, 1 hour a day. Actually that’s not fair; he sees Noah for about one and a half hours a day, Isaac gets around 30 minutes a day. Evening comes where I then plunge myself into my own work, doing all I can to put myself out there with practically no money. Self employed – you have to spend it to earn it, right? Well I don’t see how I’m supposed to do that with nothing to spend in the first place.
Truth is, we’re at risk of all going our separate ways and becoming a really disjointed family, just to secure some kind of future. Every single day I am infuriated by the tiny amount of time D spends with the boys, but I know there’s very little I can do about it. Every day I hate that I’m not getting in more work, but I’m doing all I can about it. I have to spend the money to make the money. Once I start making the money then I can put some aside to get the boys to see their Great Grandfather.
I never met my Great Grandparents.
Even as I’m writing this, D has called me from work (where he’s been since about 5am) to say his Uncle has been rushed into hospital; he has prostate cancer and has had a suspected heart-attack. I’m trying to remember if Isaac has met him. Fleetingly, perhaps, maybe when Isaac was a few months old? I can’t remember.
I wanted to go and spend some time with some people I really want to visit, this month and next. I had about 5 or 6 visits arranged. Guilt kicked in didn’t it? I’ve cancelled most of those visits now; down to two, and one of them is work related. I hate people thinking I might be being selfish. I am not a selfish person. I’ve spent the last month working out what I can sell to raise funds to get Noah and Isaac to Jamaica. Sure, we live reasonably comfortably. A lot of the gadgets I have here aren’t top of the range by any means, but they sure aren’t cheap. However, I make sure I can justify them all (and I only feel I should have to explain myself to me or D).
I’m frustrated. I hate our lives the way they are at the moment. I hate D not seeing his children. It actually pisses me off immensely. I hate barely having a relationship with him, just because we’re both slogging our asses off to make ends meet, to make things happen. And yet, strangely enough, we sort of agreed to this. He decided on the options – they were very fair options – and I agreed with him which option we should choose.
I chose this life.
I wonder if I made a mistake. I wonder if I’m suffering on the verge of heartache to make ends meet. I’m wondering if I’m sacrificing my relationship(s) to make everyone happy, to meet everyone else’s needs, to keep other people sweet. To keep people off my back. Is it easier? Surely it’s easier, right? The boys will see their Great Grandfather. D (who is also freelance) will generate more and more work for himself and hopefully not succumb to the job losses everyone else is suffering. I… well I don’t know. I feel like my hands are tied. I feel like I need the release of freedom to just work (how in the hell does that even make sense?), generating leads, increasing my portfolio, taking more bookings.
Sitting here crying and feeling pathetic, I do not know what to do. I’ve spent a fortune on advertising and I’ve gotten next to nothing from it apart from a very beaten purse. I can’t afford wedding fayres because I can’t afford the products to take along to them because I’m not generating the work because I’m not “out there” enough because..well. The circle continues. You get the idea.
At what point do I give all of this up as a very bad idea? How long can I keep going like this? Am I even strong enough for this? Why did I think I would be?
I think I should just stop kidding myself now.
I think I should just stop.
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I have no advice, and nothing to add, sadly, only you and your family can decide what is the best xxx I don't live your life, so how can I or others advise ?……. but, this I do know, you will make the right choice, and you will get to wherever your destiny is, be that geting through this, or changing your life plan… you are allowed to change life plans xx
Again, I can't advise you as it's your family, but I'm sad you feel like this as your photos are beautiful. I don't know how widely read she is but The Wedding Inspirer is always looking for photographer case studies for her blog if that might be of any use. You will make the right decision in the end.
I so know how you feel Jay. I am very frustrated for similar reasons. wish we could talk. when I have a second when I'm not disgruntled I will give your words some thought and try to come up with something meaningful to say. But just know you aren't alone, ok? we all struggle. seems like many don't. but its just a season…
oh lady, I just want to give you a big hug.
again, I can't really tell you what to do, as it is between you and your family. I will, however, tell you to look after yourself and believe in yourself. And as Moon said, you are allowed to change plans, or at least put them on hold if you need/want to.
Big love xxx
Starting a new business is depressing when the work is difficult to get in, and at the moment, with the way recessions are, the unnecessaries are being given up on a lot. If I were you, I would contact all the local creches, playgroups, clubs and groups with printed off deal sheets for pictures of families, and children ete, and get page for signatures printed off in the centres, with a fixed price reasonable deal and get them to sign people from their groups for a commission.
It just costs your time, a few print outs.
And how about photo parties, ie black and white prints, or the photo type paper in poses for families, children and pets, with possibly two types of frames, one size only to keep it cheaper to do, and do party plan for them. Get a host or hostess to invite their friends (self printed invites from your own printer for your host), then they do all the work to invite the people to their party, and you know that once you are at a party, you are expected to buy something. Works better if you can frame and hand them out on the same day, but for your first few parties, to get some money in, approval of print and take away would be acceptable. You know how mummies like a good deal to get their lovelies photographed and if you can do it for £15 – £25 per framed pic, some people will buy for pressies for all their relations, esp on the run up to xmas.
Hope this helps a bit. Advertising is pointless at the moment with the recession. Going to them at prices they can afford will work better and start to build your rep, and then you can move on to promote your wedding photography when you have an established base and some revenue coming in. And, or course, the other work you do will bring you the word of mouth that wedding photogs are usually based around. Apologies if this doesn't help any. I can understand your dilemma completely, and although I can't help with any of your family sadness, I know how difficult it is to work families in these days. Had to split this up as site wouldn't accept it. I didn't realise I had typed so much.
x
Oh lovie, this is a tough read…never mind how it must be to live and feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself because you 'chose' this, the reality is that none of us knows how things will be until you try. Family first, everything else second. In your shoes I think I would scrape every penny, beg borrow or steal it to go to Jamaica. I think you'll always regret it if you don't, and this difficult sticky times with work/money won't last forever…but nor will your grandfather.
Re the photography…I know from various friends that's it's a slog, a really hard slog to get known and make photography pay. Most people do it 'on the side' for a good few years, using the day job to cover bills etc and working every hour that is spare on their photography. That's almost impossible given that you have sole care for your boys, so don't be hard on yourself..it's going to take a little time, but it does for everyone.
Could you branch out, I think wedding photography is so massively competitive and is reliant on big, chunky bookings. Family portraiture, maternity shots, boudoir stuff is more flexible for the full time mother. Have you done second shootings, just to get your portfolio together? There are lots of wedding tog forums, are you involved with them?
I don't have easy answers, no one will. But I'm thinking of you and admire your huge spirit, determination and TALENT.
One day at a time. xx
Hello lovely, I'm doing some stuff on the side like newborn/children's shoots, and have done second shooter weddings for portfolio. Portfolio isn't horrendous, it's just having the patience to build it up. I'm finding the wedding photography industry is difficult to break into, not just booking clients but breaking into cliques as well
Apparently I'm not doing too bad for my first full year…but it's hard when very few in the industry will give you the time of day…
Thank you lovely lady, I'm going to keep fighting, dammit. xxx
Keep going. Don't stop. Whatever you decide, as a family, is the best thing for you all to do, the important thing in my experience is to keep going.
Don't let yourself stop. I know what happens when I do that, and it's not pretty. That doesn't mean keep doing exactly what you're doing – you might want to change things. But please keep going. You deserve the growth. And unfortunately with growth comes growing pains…
Family is tough, and only you can know what to do for the best in those circumstances. I didn't know either of my grandfathers, never mind great grandfathers, so I have no experience there. And with a family so huge I have cousins I've only met a couple of times, my perspective is a little warped…
If there's anything I can do… Much love xxx
(and send me your rates for family shoots!)
*hugs you*
Hunny this is heartbreaking. I want to say so much, want to give you whatever help I can. But in all honesty I don't know what to say. So I'm just going to say three things…
Firstly – Do what you think is best for your family and for YOU, actually, do what you and D think is best – you're in this together 100%, make the decisions between you and you'll know they are the right ones.
Secondly – you are an amazing photographer, and this is from someone who has her head stuck in photography at the moment, in magazines, in homework and talking to professionals and amateurs. And you have so got what it takes. You have real talent and I love your work – I love your attention to detail, I love the different slant you put on things, the unusual angles – your wedding photography takes my breath away. And THAT is really special. Whenever I see wedding photographs I compare them to yours and I always think – Jay would have done it differently, Jay would have done it like this, Jay would have done it better. I believe in you.
And thirdly, as always… Call me, email me, rant, cry, shout, or just quietly let it out, use my shoulder however it may help.
*Hugs* xxx
Oh Jay! I just want to send you a huge 'I haven't a clue what the answer us but it'll work out' hug. xxxxx
Hello lovely. It's been a while since I've been a-wandering through blogland but something told me to come by and see you today. I'm so sorry things are tough on so many fronts right now. I don't know what to say except to follow your gut instincts. If things are working now, they may start to work in time. If they are never going to work, well, you'll know then and you'll adjust the plans. As for travelling to see family – all I can say is, you are doing your best and that is all anyone can ask of us.
Much love, MD xxx
If you really want to keep going then you will, despite the money situation. Do you have flyers that you can leave in shops, libraries, post through people's letter boxes, leave in schools, restaurants, hotels etc etc etc? You can create these on Word very easily. People are always looking for photographers. Do you take landscapes? Some photographers I know up here, take pictures of the beautiful scenery, transfer it onto postcards and greetings cards, then make a fortune.
I don't know what the answer is where your husband is concerned. I always think so many men (not all of course) assume their wives are happy just looking after the house and kids while they act like the leader of the pack, bring in the money and feeling independent. We women are expected to accept the crumbs and from what I know of you, that is definitely not something you are willing (and nor should you be) to put up with.
Keep going. Running a business is bloody hard work and it takes a long time to make it a success.
Love and best wishes, CJ xx
Thank you CJ, I have to say they're all ideas I've looked at, but I'm in danger if I move too far from photography on my site. The irony is I was thinking I could do exactly what you've just said, but would potentially need a second site. And end up generating more of the wrong kind of work. Arggghhhh!!! I'll get there, I just need patience. *sigh*
xx
I know how you feel about the work not bringing in enough money. I also have to work around a young child's need – which is why I'm at the computer at 00.30 on a Staurday night. I work during the day while she is at nursery and then again when she's in bed – and I still do n't make enough to support us. I'm just hoping to be able to survuve until something changes – who knows what that will be?! Good luck for your trip to Jamaica.
You are workins so heard and doing the best you can – things will fall into place and work themselves out. Just be sure that the goal you are working so hard to achieve is really the one you want, sometimes you have to choose what's best for you.
Massive hugs
Oh Jay what a horrid time for you. I had my own business for 5 years and the finscial side was so draining and hard. But I didn't have those other factors that you have on top. I don't know what to say? Go with your instincts I guess? I send you hugs and luck inn deciding xx
I think some of this can be helped by working the muscle that is the word 'no' the guilt you describe is for others and your responsibilities to them . You and your are your priority harsh as it sounds and sometimes you have to say no.. enough is enough. Your OH sounds identical to mine except mine doesnt see the children at all mid week- he leaves at 6 and gets back at 8 most night – its a slog and I definitely hold it against him even tho I know I shouldnt – he is supporting our family, though it feels like we are barely off the breadline for all his efforts.
As for the photography – I think spud has some great ideas there
Please don't give up, your photography is the most amazing and inspiring photographs I have ever seen. It takes time but you will get there. Word will get around. I know it's hard just now and your poor hubby. I hope more than anything things get better. You deserve this, you all do. You deserve it works, you get to go to see your Granddad and everything looks up x
Money. I hate the stuff. I hate having to pinch and scrape while other ppl throw it around with gay abandon. I know I need to be working and earning, and I have no idea how I fit it around our current lifestyle. I hope you can find a way to get to where you want to be.
oh gosh, hugs
this reminds me of when my hubby worked the night shift. I got up to look after our baby and go to university and/or work part time, he got up late afternoon, ate, went to work. I then went to bed after he'd gone. We were never in the bed at the same time – we were barely in the house at the same time!
It nearly broke us – it didn't. But I swore he – or I, come to that – would NEVER work night shifts again, despite the extra money available.
Hope the universe hands you break soon xx