There’s a lot of people out there who like to rave about the joys of parenthood, how much they love their children, how sweet life is and how perfect family can be.
My response is “fuck that, at present, I hate it.”
At this exact moment in time, I have never hated anything more than I hate being a mom right now. I would happily trade this role for something else in a heartbeat.
I hate it.
I hate the stages the boys go through; Noah becoming increasingly cheeky and rude as he questions authority and pushes boundaries, whilst Isaac thinks he’s completely independent and doesn’t listen to anything I say.
I can’t stand the fact that, while I am barely in a state to think for myself, I have to think through every decision of the day for them and god help me if I make a wrong decision and fail them miserably as a parent.
Whilst I know D works bloody hard for good reason, it pisses me off immensely that I often feel like a single parent, working every single second my eyes are open, usual on a ridiculous number of things all at the same time. The frustration of him not having enough hours in the day to see them, while I end up with the feeling that actually, someone else can have my hours so I can do something else I can actually enjoy.
I won’t sugar coat my life, I will actually tell it like it is. I shut myself down to them because quite frankly, at this very moment, I’ve had enough of them. I can’t even pretend to love them, not when all I want to do is escape or sleep or piss off somewhere else and leave everything behind. Do I want to go out and “find a new me”? No, not necessarily, I just want to escape what feels like imprisonment. This feeling of being shackled down with no sign of escape, counting the years until they leave home and I can feel a chance to breathe my own air.
Am I being harsh? Probably. I can hear the sharp intakes of breath, the people thinking “how can she say such things? These are her children; if she doesn’t want them then why did she have them?” I don’t even have an answer for them, apart from that they can piss off and take their judgemental attitudes someplace else. Or, I invite them to spend a day inside my head, listening to everything acutely, unable to switch off, over-processing everything and feeling like they’re getting nowhere. Apart from maybe, further into the blackness.
The worst is feeling like I am right now, worse than when I started writing this post some 4 hours ago. I’ve since yelled until I’m almost hoarse, my eyes are stinging from the impending migraine and having fucked up dinner (bastard oven constantly billowing out smoke), and I am so very, very numb. I’ve put the boys to bed (solo bedtime routine) and felt almost nothing when Noah said “I love you mommy, please can I give you a cuddle.” You would think that would move someone to tears, right?
But instead of tears of happiness, I sit here with tears of resentment, tears of emptiness, tears of wondering what the fuck I did wrong, tears of wondering if I can ever, ever make this hell any better.
I actually want to walk away from so much right now. I can’t remember ever being so tired, physically and mentally. I can’t remember having felt so horribly alone. I can’t remember having faith and trust in no one, since I have no faith in myself.
The numbness is really weird. It’s always there but it sometimes strengthens in great waves. Most of the time, my body and mind just don’t give a shit and literally, my brain starts singing “traa lalalalalalaaaaa” to drown everything else out. But sometimes the numbness is so severe it starts shutting everything else down. There’s no mindless singing, there’s no feeling of any emotions, there’s just nothing. I don’t even know why I’m crying now, which makes this even more pathetic.
I want to sleep, yet the thought of sleep terrifies me because I know it will all start again when I wake up.
And so I want my time away from being a mom, because when I’m not being a mom, I’m a human being. It’s that glimpse into normality which I crave so badly and wonder if it will ever be a part of my life again. I want to be able to think for myself, and not have to spend all my time answering questions for everyone else on behalf of them. I want to not be pulled 17 different ways, to not constantly be in demand from someone, somewhere; to not have the feeling that someone is breathing down my neck waiting for something every fucking hour of the day.
The boys are in bed right now. I have had a drink and all I want to do is get in the car, drive, and hope the steering wheel doesn’t bring me back here for a good few days. Maybe weeks. Maybe several months. Maybe I’ll never come back. Their dad will be home soon, and there’s plenty of people who could help him look after them, right? I could just drive into some kind of oblivion, like some kind of non-existence; I wouldn’t kill myself, I’d just stop existing.
But this is all crazy talk isn’t it? There are so many people out there with lives worse than mine, of course! Moms of 5, 6, 7 and many more, and they just get on with it, right? I should just shut the fuck up and stop whinging, right? That’s how we deal with it, isn’t it? Sweep it under the carpet, lock it behind a door, push it wayyyyyy down the back there and pretend it’s not really happening right?
Yeah, I’m afraid that doesn’t work.
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Not much help I know, but sending you a HUGE HUGE HUGE hug.
It breaks my heart to hear you are feeling like this and at the same time I am so proud of you for your strength and openness. I wish there is *something* I could do for you, but I know there isn't (save for virtual hugs of course).
I have a theory that very intelligent and talented people suffer from depression the most… and I know from your photos that you are very talented indeed.
Maggy xx
To Maggy, red ted art.
Thanks for refering to anger/depression as a sign of intelligence and talent. You made my day. God Bless. dan doopy
Women are the niggers of the world. John Lennon said it, i agree….Being a Mom is the MOST DIFFICULT THING you will ever do…Women are sold by our society/advertisments that children are a blessed welcome. NOT true for me. I wish women would get real with each other about how children invade your house and mind and destroy happiness. Lets get real…the world doesn't need more people…Instead, we need women who are confident and happy NOT having babies. I have 3 boys and look forward to when they grow up and leave the house. Having a clean house and peace and quiet, and focusing on my husband makes me happier than dealing with the messy, noisy, disrespectful kids.
There are great moms out there who love their situation and they are admirable, but there are also MANY moms who dislike living with children. I am one of them….Freedom, organization, clean house, peace, these things make me whole. Being a mom makes me miserable.
Thank you………..what a relief to read that so many mothers of the world feel the same as me, so thank you for your words, maybe tomorrow won't be quite so bad after all.
Hahaaa, (tears) haaaahaaaa (more tears) Thank God for you lot.
Its 1.35am and the only comfort my 11month old gets is tearing my hair out of my fucking head. Great.
I was just about to do a Britney and shave my head when i found this gem of a blog. My hair thanks you.
I AM NOT ALONE!
I cant quite believe it. When my work pals asked how it was after having my two sons, my answer was an honest one.
Its ok if you like living without your basic human rights.
I think anyone who enjoys being pissed, shitted and spewed upon whilst being deprived of sleep and treat like a slave is a fucking looney.
Im counting down the days til they start nursery, because Im looking forward to having an uninterrupted coffee and read of the paper.
Im looking forward to having a little time to get ahead with the ironing.
painting the fence…
wash AND dry my hair properly.
maybe put some make up on.
Sounds sad eh? But having these two little shites has been good for me really, they stripped me bare, the once cocky Kel, got governed. And you know what, I find such joy in the smallest things thesedays. Im really glad about that.
Much love to Other mum like me. One day we will look back and….. think thank f**k thats over!
I feel ya. It's so hard never sleeping and never having a minute to yourself. Parenthood is awful. The smiles and hugs help though
I wish I never had children, but we are stuck with them. No one ever tells you how lonely being a mother is.
I had twins. I never asked for twins. I thought kids would be a good idea but I got hell. A hell that is purely carried upon my shoulders. How they turn out is entirely down to me. As a psychologist, if they are psychopathic serial killers – guess what? as a mixture of genes triggered by environment – it's my fault!!!! So everytime I feel resentful towards them I have to worry that this may be the trigger that turns them bad – does their dad worry about this? Well just about as much as he worries whether they are getting their five a day or are they forming appropriate social interactions or do they have good nativity costumes or have they invited the right friends to their birthday.? In other words he doesn't even know these bloody questions exist. I hate it. I am totally trapped. I had them so everything falls at my feet.
You have helped many many women with this post Jay. Simply by having the balls to say – uncut – what we have all surely felt at one time or another. Keep speaking your truth, because what you're saying is important.
I've been there too. For the most part it is now easier, possibly because they're a bit older and a bit more self-sufficient. But I still occasionally have bad days where all I want to do is run run run.
This post was like a breath of fresh air to me, some of your writing is put exactly how I have thought it in my head and it's so comforting to see how very common it is.
Thanks for being honest enough to write this
I have never wanted kids… ever! – for the very reasons stated here on this blog and in the comments. So I truly sympathize with the parents here. I am a part-time stepmom however, so I know firsthand that having kids can really suck the life out of you. I won't go into the gory details here. Just suffice it to say, I know what it's like – enough to know that I absolutely made the right choice not having kids.
But what I really don't understand is why sooo many people have kids to begin with? Just looking at parents with their kids in the supermarket, at restaurants, at the park – it's so obvious what misery children can be
They're needy, messy, dirty, annoying, loud, invasive, etc. Their needs are constant and intrusive. You will rarely have a moment's peace. Mix in rudeness, ungratefulness, bossiness, selfishness, etc – what do you get? A little monster you want to lock in the closet at times. To me, this has always been Really Obvious. I'm really surprised it isn't obvious to more people before they have them. Please think long and hard before you have a kid. It can ruin your life. Seriously. Peace out.
I had to reply to this one, anonymous. I think the thing to remember is that the spectrum of what a child can be like is pretty much infinite. You cannot dictate what sort of child you will have, and I hasten to add, my children are most definitely not rude, ungrateful, selfish, bossy etc – in fact they're quite the opposite.
I think it's also important to remember that, no matter what, you just cannot dictate how you will react to becoming a parent, no matter how many times you do. There are so many circumstances to take into consideration.
I appreciate that you are firm in the decision that it wasn't right for you…but it's unfair to belittle and assume how it will affect others.
Thank you for your feedback.
hi – I know I'm coming to this a bit late and things may have moved on for you. I wanted to say thanks, and that you are not alone. The numbness you describe I feel all the time too. I think that it is a mechanism that protects me from becoming consumed or overwhelmed by my love for my kids. Weird, since they do my head in and there are times (every day) when I think about walking out, getting on the first train through the station, and not coming back. I reject my daughters cuddles and pats, I ignore my screaming baby son. I just walk away and continue the mechanics of the day. But I think that I do this because, if I allowed myself to feel, I'd be completely overwhelmed by my love for them, completely desperate with fear for them, utterly drowned in the responsibility of caring for them and getting it right. And, I'd lose myself entirely. I'd disappear into motherhood and never come back, no me left at all. You say you were crying when you typed this – well, there. You were crying for you, but also for your kids. You talk about guilt – you can't be guilty without caring. And you describe running away, but even in your fantasy you are still checking that they'll be ok, and that some one will be there to take care of them soon. Motherhood is horrible, it is a burden of love which destroys us, knocks us back down to almost nothing and forces us to rebuild our sense of self from the very beginning. I'm lucky enough to be able to talk about these feelings to my own mother, who went through something very similar. I don't resent her for telling me she felt this way when we were young, I know she never blamed us. I don't blame my kids, and I don't hate them, either. I just hate this process, the grinding and unrelenting litany of childcare and the isolation that comes with it. I look at my mother now, though, and it gives me hope. She got through. The baby and infant days were hard, she tells me, right up until I went to school. She was still at home with my younger sister, but she made the decision (unusual for the time) to go back to work full time. She pushed my victorian father to take more responsibility, and she found herself again. She seems to think that, when she came through the other side, though she had had to start over, she was a stronger, better, happier person. And she enjoyed very much our later childhoods, when we were more independent and she could begin to see the fruits of all her work in the early days. I cling on to this, I hope this is what happens for me – and what happens for us all. Children might well be a blessing, but we're not depressed, weird, or out of the ordinary for not being able to see that right now, and I think that maybe we are just very normal. It helps me to think of this process as an evolution, rather than a never ending, soul destroying drudge. I hope it turns out that way, for me and all of us who feel this way.