Laser Poo

October 10, 2011 By 3 Comments

So as far as Noah is concerned, poo comes in various guises.

Noah: *singing* Laser poo…laser poo…cummalahh cummalahh…laser poo…

Me: Ummm…

N: *singing* hmm hmm hmmm…laser pooooo…huh huh huh pooooo…

MBM: Noah did you learn that at school?

N: Yes mommy.

MBM: What’s the song called Noah?

N: It’s “Laser Poo”, mommy. It’s French.

MBM: “Laser Poo”?

N: Yes mommy. Laser poooo…cummalah hmm hmm laser poo. (There are actions, too.)

…

So I made a mental note. Firstly I need to brush up on my French songs. Secondly, I used to be great friends with his music teacher, I must ask her “what the fuck” sometime soon…

Filed Under: Conversations, Noah

In case you were wondering about blogging

September 1, 2011 By 9 Comments

Noah is playing with a toy phone making phone calls while I’m working.

Noah: Look Mommy! My phone is blogging!

Me: Hmmm? …wait – what?

N: My phone Mommy! It’s blogging!

MBM: *pretty sure I’ve misheard him* Your phone is what, Noah?

N: BLOGGING, Mommy. *showing me the phone in earnest* My phone is BLOGGING.

MBM: …your phone is blogging?

N: Yes.

MBM: *looking at the cute bunny pic on his toy phone*…what’s “blogging” Noah?

N: Well I don’t know! You know…it’s Burpees, and writing, and photos, Mommy.

…

Well I guess that sums it up then.

Filed Under: Conversations, mocha beanie mummy, Noah, parenting

It’s ok though, he’s not racist.

August 25, 2011 By 9 Comments

(8:38pm, both Smalls should have been asleep an hour ago. I hear Noah’s door open on the monitor. I go upstairs into the dark where I can see his shadow in his doorway.)

Me: Noah! What are you doing? Why are you out of bed again?

Noah: *sheepishly* Um, because I just am…

M: Noah it is bedtime and you should be in your bed asleep. Why are you out of bed?!?

N: Um…

M: You listen to me. I am having no more messing around. Close your door, get into bed and go to sleep.

N: But Mommy…

M: NO. Close your door. Go to bed. Go to SLEEP.

N: But Mommy, you’re too dark and I can’t see you. You’re dark.

…

On reflection, he has a fair point I guess.

Filed Under: Conversations, Noah, parenting

It comes out of a little hole. In a fashion.

August 9, 2011 By 6 Comments

(Whilst editing photos from a maternity photoshoot)

Noah: Mommy, why does she have a big belly? What’s in her belly?

Me: She has a baby in there.

N: In her belly?

M: *nervously* yes she does.

N: …

M: (Breathes relief)

N: Is she going to keep it in there Mommy?

M: No, it’s come out now, it’s not in there any more. (Suddenly realising my COLOSSAL downfall.)

N: No, look Mommy, it’s still in her belly.

M: No it’s out now, do you want to see a photo of the baby she had?

N: Ok.

(I show him the newborn shoot for the same client; she’s holding the newborn in her arms)

M: Look, see? The baby came out, there they all are. (Why have I not shut up yet?)

N: But Mommy…how did it come out?

M: (Thinking really hard and fast, while trying not to burst out laughing) …

N: Mommy? How did the baby come out?

M: Through a tiny little hole in her belly. (WHAT? She had a c-section and I’m trying not to freak the boy out. Or blatantly lie.)

N: A hole?

M: Yes. A little hole (indicating the lower right hand side of my stomach so he doesn’t think it was her belly button. You can tell I’m thinking this through very fucking fast). She went to hospital and the hospital took the baby out of a little hole, maybe here.

N: No Mommy, not in hospital?!

M: Yeah sure! In hospital. She went in, they got her belly and – er – they, um, made a little hole and pulled – er – they took the baby out.

N: … (frowns, obviously thinking it over)

M: … (holds breath and waits, silently praying to god)

N: Ohhhhh!! Ok. (Goes off to play with toys)

M: (Dies from epic relief)

(Note to self: Think up some better answers for the next stage. Or be prepared to answer immediately with “ask your father”.)

Filed Under: Conversations, Noah, parenting

Super-Poo

July 19, 2011 By 11 Comments

Me: Noah are you doing a poo on the potty?

Noah: Yes

Me: You know you should use the toilet upstairs, right?

N: I know mommy, but I don’t want it to drag up the stairs.

Me: *suppresses singgering*

N: *Looks at me with his “I’m having a dump” face, then squats over the potty*

Me: Have you finished Noah?

N: Yes mommy.

Me: Sit back down then, let me find the wipes.

N: I can’t mommy, because it’s like a big banana poking my bottom.

…

I wonder if the entire summer holiday will be like this.

Filed Under: Conversations, Noah, parenting, pooping
« Older Posts