Sex stuff. Yeah I said it. - mocha beanie mummy

DILDOS. That is all. (Guest Post from @PippaD )

July 4, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 13 Comments

…this post needs no further intro from me.

Hello Everyone! This is Pippa from AMR, you of course know me as being the Mummy Blogger who has lots of Family Fun. Sex is one Fun activity that isn’t really mentioned over there and so I asked the lovely Jay (seeing as it is her fault I wanted to write this post) to host it. Oh and the reason I don’t/won’t talk about Sex and a bit of self love over at AMR is because my daughters headmaster reads my blog, as does my bishop, the woman who lives next door and quite frankly because I don’t want odd looks from you all. Or worse, admiring looks at my husband!

After CyberMummy the sexiness that is Jay organised a Dildo Decorating party with a lot of thanks to Eden Fantasys. They sent over huge boxes of all sorts of types of sex toy. There were butt plugs, dildos, vibrators and heaven knows what else. Those in attendance of course dived straight in and started to decorate various dildos and butt plugs to become friends for Dildo Bob.

(Clickit to Biggit)

I helped to create Sid Punk, who would like to be known as S.Punk…

There are a few things you should know about a group of women decorating dildos, they make a lot of noise, they say filthy things that you wouldn’t ever read on a gardening website, nobody can eat a sausage without it looking like they are practising fellatio and the hotel staff can’t get away quickly enough once they have delivered bowls of chips to a room filled with dildos of all sizes and squealing women. I commented when tossed a rather large dildo (that I caught one handed) that I am rather used to handling large cocks (No need to thank me husband dearest, you can make it up to me later) and as such thought that those who are less use to handling dildos, might like a bit of advice about how to choose something for themselves and possibly their partners.

First things first. There are differences between a vibrator and a dildo and not everyone knows the difference. A vibrator of course vibrates, and has a power source. It might be battery operated, or run on mains power but either way it will move! Now the reason for the movement is to stimulate the exterior of a woman’s sexual organs, eg the clitoris, vulva, vagina and anus and of course chaps can get in on the action by using a vibrator on the anus and penis. A vibrator isn’t really for penetration (although it can be), and nine times out of ten it doesn’t look like a penis, but is phallic shaped.

Right so now you know that what you get is for insertion there is a sensible question to be asked. How big do you want it to be? There are a couple of ways of working out what girth is best for you; You could measure your partner (there is a fun family activity in itself) or you could use your (or your partners) fingers. When you have worked out how many fingers is the right size that you enjoy then you just measure around them with a tape measure (or string and a ruler) and you will get the circumference. Now not all dildo’s will tell you the circumference, some might give you the diameter and unlike me you have probably forgotten the Maths lesson where we were taught how to work out the diameter from the circumference so just do this simple sum;

Circumference / Pi (3.14) = Diameter
C/π=D

Now you need to work out what sort of Dildo you are after, I won’t go in to all the in’s and out’s of the Dildo’s but just some generalisations…

Anal Dildos. Make sure that they are flared at the end or you might end up at accident and emergency ward with several nurses and doctors grinning as they extract it, after your attempts have just driven it further in and possibly cause internal damage. These are generally best to be nonporous as you will need a fair bit of lube for insertion and you don’t want the Dildo to suck it all up. You might also find that it is best to have a beaded or bumped Dildo for anal stimulation.

Celebrity Dildos. You might not know it but there is a huge growth in dildo’s that have been modelled (or moulded in some situations) on porn stars. In fact you can even buy fleshlights moulded and modelled on women porn stars.
Double Ended Dildos. This can be one of a couple of things. It can be a two headed dildo which you and your partner use at the same time or it can be one which is flexible in such a way that you can use it to penetrate yourself both anally and vaginally at the same time.
G-Spot Dildos. These are curved dildo’s which when inserted will rest upon the G-spot (or prostate for men) and with the right amount of pressure added will provide maximum stimulation.
Realistic Dildos. Like the celebrity dildos, these are modelled on real men and as such will have little characteristics and quirks (bent slightly to one side, or slightly odd shaped etc) that can add something extra. You can even buy kits these days to mould on your own partner, just remember that they might ask you to do the same thing as they have kits for women too.
Shaped Dildos. Not all dildos are penis shaped. You might find one the shape of a hand, or an animal or a food.
Smooth Dildos. As there are no bumps and grooves there is little friction which means it can be inserted fast or gently, it’s up to you.
Strap on Dildos. Well it is basically a dildo that is strapped on via a harness. Depending on the harness these can provide stimulation to the person wearing the harness and to the person the dildo is being inserted into.
Suction Dildos. These can be placed on to a flat surface and then via a suction allow you to have hands free entertainment!
Textured Dildos. Veined, bumpy or ribbed all these offer an extra stimulation when inserted; You just need to decide which sort you prefer.
Vibrating Dildos. Yes I know I said that that Dildos don’t vibrate, but that isn’t strictly true. There are a number of Dildos which have a vibrating bullet that can be inserted into the dildo to provide a small amount of vibration. If you want something a bit more powerful look for a dildo that has a built in vibrator.

So there you go, a quick rundown on a few different types of Dildo, a few tips about what they are best for and of course how to make sure they are the right size for you… Happy shopping!

Dear PippaD, I LOVE YOU. Me. x

Filed Under: AWESOMENESS, Dildo Bob, Eden Fantasys, Guest blog, Sex stuff. Yeah I said it.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be A MILF.

April 11, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 26 Comments

Semi-drunk blog posts. YEAY!!! This is a first.

Ok, there’s been something on my mind for quite a while, and I decided not to blog about it cos, well, I didn’t want to “upset the blogging community”.

And then I remembered “this is my fucking blog and I’ll say what the hell I like“, so as ever if you don’t like it? Don’t read it, innit.

A few weeks ago (or maybe last week) (or possibly last month, I really can’t bloody remember now) I asked twitter if they found the term “MILF” offensive. As expected, there were mixed responses from “it’s very offensive and the other nuns in this convent thoroughly agree with me” through to “I would fucking LOVE to be called a MILF, then I’d have it tattooed on my arm. MILF FO-EVER, that’s me.”*

Me personally? I’d like to be a MILF. I’d like to get to – wait – are you reading this and wondering what in the hell a “MILF” is? If you are then, um, welcome to my blog (oh geeze I hope you’re not squeamish/prude/toffee-nosed/dead) Ok. MILF = Mother I’d Like to Fuck.

As in, “hell yeah, she might be someone’s mom, but yeah, I’d do her”.

Apparently various internet sources** say the MILF is a slightly older woman, more, uh, “mature” if you will. Why that’s the case, I have no idea.

But whatever. Knowing that there are people out there who think I’m hot enough to want to jump in my pants (not that I would let them!! That is a DRASTICALLY different blog post) is a bloody COMPLIMENT. I don’t care that some find it offensive – you make of it what you will. To me, being called a MILF is barely different to having ANYONE on a building site wolf-whistle you as you walk past them. And who the hell does THAT any more? Or…wait…maybe they do, but just not at me?

So maybe this is a self confidence thing? I’ve lost shit loads of weight and am starting to feel my confidence return VERY slowly. I still hate my body though. Sometimes, in order to feel better about myself, I crave that fucking annoying stereotypical “PhotoShop” body. You know, the one with the skin like silk, completely unblemished, a curvy yet somehow slim hourglass figure (HOW. IN. THE. HELL.) and boobs that are so pert that if you cupped it, it’s like your hand was MEANT to be there. Like the most delicious bra you ever did wear.

I WANTS IT PLZ.

It won’t happen though. Much as I toy with the idea of breast enlargement, liposuction, laser surgery for scar removal (eczema is a fucking bitch) I know I’ll never do it, and so I struggle with that eternal battle of learning to at least like my body. Because loving it is a long way off at the mo. And that’s why I think if I was ever called a MILF, sure I’d giggle a bit, maybe tell the person to STFU… but at the end of the day, if I can be “insert slightly older age here” years old and still be very hawt to the general public AS WELL AS The Mr (and anyone else with a pulse) – to me that’s a compliment. How is it not?

I don’t want to be Stifler’s mom, because, well, who the fuck would want that? She disturbs me a bit. A LOT. Maybe more like Will’s mom, you know? Wholesome-ish, clean on the surface, perhaps a bit unsuspecting but knowing enough and of course, HAWT.

So I want to be a MILF. Come back to me in about 15 years time, and I’ll let you know how I’m getting on with that.

* Possible exaggeration. But not by much. Maybe
** Twitter…facebook…Dr Google PhD…

Filed Under: HOTNESS, mothers, Mutha-Hood, parenting, Sex stuff. Yeah I said it., Stuff to make you laaaauuuuuuugh, wtf

Why don’t we have a “Sexy Hot Mamas Day”?

April 4, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 14 Comments

I love the idea of Mothering Sunday, it’s lovely. You know, the bubbly, the chocolates, the appreciative thank-you cards and gifts from the kiddos and The Mr, it’s all very sweet. The motherly way in which The Smalls declare they’re going to look after me, just adorable.

If you’re that way inclined.

I’ve never been much of a softy if I’m honest. It’s nice being a mom and all, but geeze, it’s so easy to lose your sense of identity. Before being a mom, I thought I was HAWT, able to turn heads and feeling smug as random guys attempted to grope my arse.

Not everyone’s cup of tea, I understand, but having been a pole dancer for 2 years, you know you have what it takes to turn on almost any man at the drop of a hat (or bikini top).

So unfortunately, Mothers Day (Mother’s Day? Mothering Sunday?) sometimes leaves me feeling a bit meh. It reminds me of how my figure is buggered, how I’m missing about a year’s worth of sleep, how I sometimes barely remember who I am and how I’m struggling to remember what sex actually is.

Oh the irony, since that’s what got me here in the first place.

So how do I get past this? How do I get past appreciating being a mom and still trying to hold on to my hot piece of ass? I’m more than a mom, after all, right? But how do people see me – Mom of 2? Sexless, dry and barren? Wearing pants big enough to fit in most of the family and a bra which would appeal immensely to a 172 year old granny?

I know many would say I have my priorities messed up, or I should learn to be appreciative of what I have (as a mom) – That’s fair enough. We all have our own views and opinions on being a mom. Maybe this is just an identity crisis, and I’m struggling to take in the “mother identity”. Whatever that is. (Which to me, by the way, is being about 20 stone too big, constantly looking like a mess, drowning in nappies/milk/cuddly things/toys/school books/laundry and looking like you haven’t slept in a millenium. And that’s just me.)

Much as Mothering Sunday is but one day of the year (although surely we can be appreciated as a mother any day of the year, right?) I can’t help but wonder why we don’t have a day dedicated to moms to remind them how they are still that hot piece of ass even though they’re a mom. Ain’t nothing wrong with being a MILF, in my book. (And MILF – oh boy there’s a whole epic blog post in itself…) So this year, I graciously accept my chocolates, 2 bottles of wine, iTunes voucher (watch out, iPad 2), lunch of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toasted brioche, and will adorn glorious sexy knickers and the bra that makes my boobs look deliciously mahoosive and lively, and remind my husband that not only am I one busy mommy, I’m also one hot mama.

Filed Under: mothers, Mutha-Hood, parenting, Sex stuff. Yeah I said it.

It’s only sex, innit?

October 2, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 21 Comments

While in Cornwall, we went over to The Seafood Restaurant in Padstow. Both times I was there, we had a fab waitress who had waited on D and I, and then my mom and I (surprise trip for her); we chatted with her a lot and she was pretty awesome.

After we finished our meal she asked if I was on facebook, but since I hide my profile (and yet billions of people I don’t know somehow still seem to want to add me…there’s another post right there…) I told her to search for my blog.

“What’s a blog?” she asked.

I nearly fell off my chair. In fact, I would have done, had I not just consumed so much food and managed to wedge myself between chair and table.

I explained, and told her what I blog about. Obviously, Dildo Bob was mentioned (whom my mom finds endearing, but yeah, that’s also another post) and whilst initially she was horrified, she then admitted that would be something she would love to read about. She was very sweet, I do hope she finds me.

But I came away thinking; what is it with talking about sex stuff?

*waits while most of you who got this far suddenly close their browsers*

I have no problem talking about sex stuff. Dildo Bob is a great laugh as a “prop”, I thoroughly enjoyed the vibrator give-away, and was thrilled to bits to receive the box of goodies from Eden Fantasys. None of it is a crime, is it? On Blognonymous a while ago, we had someone write what I thought was a brilliant post about sex and how we don’t talk about it or barely even do it. Why is this? What happens? A good few months ago I asked on twitter “who owns a vibrator and how many do you have?” and I couldn’t help but notice the enthusiasm from my overseas friends (mainly in the USA) and a certain hush-hush from those here in the UK.

Why? Why is this? Are we embarrassed? Are we “just being British”? Is that just the way it is? Is sex a crime and someone didn’t tell me??!?!?

Much like whoever wrote that Blognonymous post, I rarely have sex. It’s VERY rare, for whatever reason. I’m tired, I’m not in the mood, my sex drive is dead, WHATEVER. But like the poster, I’m biding my time and hoping D will persevere. Since having two giant babies and dealing with depression, as well as being back on the pill and that severely screwing up my hormones, it’s all bloody difficult to get back into the swing of things. I rarely feel sexy, I LOATHE my figure right now, and would sooner D never see me naked again for fear of putting him off completely.

But the difference I have is that it’s not that I don’t WANT to have sex. I’d love to have the fun aspect of it all. The box of goodies was awesome, but I’m actually yet to “enjoy” them. Since getting those toys, I eye up stuff like this and these in the hope that I can be inspired to put some spark back into my sex life.

Is that a crime? What’s wrong with looking at them? And even more so, what’s wrong with blogging about them? Am I set to lose out on lovely PR offers about whatever, because I happen to talk about SEX and DILDOS and *slaps hands on cheeks* VIBRATORS??? Omg what IS the world COMING TO??

Fact is, most of us who are in the “mommy blogger” community will have arrived here by having had sex at some point. It’s a given. Not all of us, I understand that. But a fair majority. And yet very few talk or write about it. Sure it’s intimate, it’s private to many, blah blah blah, but I’d be willing to bet there’d be an immense silence and a good number of unfollows on twitter if I started asking about anal sex, blow jobs and other things that really tickle your fancy.

Why have we stopped? Did we stop? Where do we start? How do we start? Should we start? Did we even start?? And why is it, as I’m getting closer to hitting “publish”, I’m wondering how many of you will be too scared/apprehensive/nervous/shy/WHATEVER to even comment? Why’s that then? And if you lost your spark, did you ever get back and were you bothered if you didn’t? Is sex even still fun any more?

I’m thinking Dildo Bob would like the reassurance that his family and friends won’t be out of business.

Filed Under: Sex stuff. Yeah I said it.

And the winner of Dildo Bob’s cousin is…

September 20, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 5 Comments

Having hyped up a vibrator as much as I possibly could (which, let’s face it, was not difficult), I am pleased to announce that the winner of a brand new Kissa Sensual Glass Vibrator in it’s own velvet pouch IIIIISSSSSSSS….

*drum roll*

…

Keris! CONGRATULATIONS!

The bad news is you didn’t quite get the company name – it’s Eden Fantasys – two s’, not one! So the Juicy Passion Fruit lube will sit here for another day until I (maybe…) arrange another competition…

But well done!! I hear KY jelly works just as well.

Please get in touch with a postal address so I can get Dildo Bob’s cousin out to you in the mail ASAP. Well done again!

Thanks to everyone for entering the competition, it’s been loads of fun! If you’re interested in more giveaways pretty much like this one in the future, then please let me know and I’ll see what can be done. I hasten to add, none of these posts have been sponsored or anything, I just happen to have a spare vibrator (c’mon – did you SEE the box full?) and I happen to really like Eden Fantasys, so it made sense to tie the two in together. I’m very wary of how little sex related stuff is talked about on blogs, and I’m always up for a bit of fun, so have just become a member of their Ambassador Program, which to be honest, looks like LOTS of fun. Maybe you’ll see more from them on here? I don’t know.