Ultimate Stresssss - mocha beanie mummy

Silent Sunday. It’s BACK. And it’s bigger, bolder AND SMELLING LESS LIKE AFTERSHAVE.

February 20, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 10 Comments

When I ditched the Silent Sunday linky back sometime in 2011 (I can’t remember when), the sigh of relief was so big, caused a hurricane in the middle of the pacific ocean. No one was affected though, because I don’t like world disasters and being responsible for mass death and destruction; it just makes me uncomfortable. The very same day that it was announced, approximately a zillion people got in touch asking if they could “take it” so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Ahhhh there’s the problem.

Much as I didn’t like the linky and the epic shit that came with it, I was genuinely sad to cut people off. I don’t think I fit in very well with the “mummy blogging” “community”, and rarely seem to fit in anywhere else on line. So to sever the last chunk of communication with the blogging world, being my love of photography, was a wee bit sad. However, Silent Sunday was always my blogging baby. And you know when you give birth, and have the newborn, and someone comes along with some hideously strong perfume or aftershave and leaves your bubba wreaking of that, rather than the natural essence of the thing you created in the first place? And all you can smell is the wreak, and not your lovely bubba? Well it’s the most bizarre analogy ever, but it’s the most accurate analogy ever.

Silent Sunday was not for others to take off me and leave their smell all over it. The end.

AND THEN, along came Love All Blogs a couple of weeks ago, asking if they would be allowed to host The Linky for me, so that my meme (meem? MeMe? Mehm?) could be resurrected properly, without being taken away from me. Am I possessive? Hell yeah. But if you know me, if you’ve spent the time reading my blog, if you have the vaguest idea of the sort of person I am, you’ll know why a SILENT Sunday is so important to me. Why I was (and still am) so particular about it.

There are shit loads of people out there whom I know for a fact snipe at Silent Sunday for whatever reason. “What’s the point? It’s just a photo.” Or, “Geeze this blog is dull, it’s nothing but photos and no words. What am I supposed to read?” Or maybe “Why should you have to follow rules to post a photo? Over on my blog I can do what the hell I like.” If those are your views, then that’s absolutely fine! I’m not going to slate you; the world would be dull if we all thought the same, no?

But I would like to say this. First – I’m a photographer. I can express myself very well with photos alone. I don’t expect you to do the same. Second – I’m crap with words. I’m not a writer. I’ve never declared myself a writer. If you want something to read, go find another blog. I promise I won’t be offended. Third – Of course you can blog what you like! But may I remind you that the rules do not stipulate that if you post a photo then YOU MUST link it up to something. Just saying. You don’t have to link it up if you don’t want to follow the rules. So please. Please show some (A LOT) of respect over on Lovel All Blogs.

Annie at Love All Blogs pitched to me absolutely perfectly, was bloody lovely about it, and was brilliant in “asking me first” if it was ok to go ahead. I have a lot of respect for her for that. And so, the Silent Sunday linky is back, and can be found on Love All Blogs Silent Sunday Linky, and the badge as ever can be found there or here. Ok, much like my tagline, I’m emitting all manner of crap now. So go. Do your Silent Sunday.

The Rules still apply. Why wouldn’t they? It wouldn’t be Silent Sunday without them.

Filed Under: actual happy times, asshats, AWESOMENESS, Blogging, mocha beanie mummy, neurosis, photography, Silent Sunday, Ultimate Stresssss

Pox Watch Day 4/Half Term Day 1 – Exactly what kind of sweet hell IS this?

February 13, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 4 Comments

You know when you start celebrating something faaarrrrrrrrr too early? And, you’re not smug about it, but you sure as hell feel victorious on the inside?

Seriously, there was NO smugness, because quite frankly, you were so relieved you were planning a spending a week crying in a corner?

Yeah, screw that.

It’s half term this week, so obviously, Noah has chicken pox. OMG does he have chicken pox. He’s currently sitting on the sofa, Calpol’d up to his eyeballs, almost unrecognisable because his face is PLASTERED in calamine lotion. I thought Isaac had it bad? Ohhh God I was so so very wrong.

Not only is he suffering on the surface, he’s riddled with FOF and a delightful hacking cough (as is his brother). Also like his brother, he cried through most of his porridge and calamine bath, and the only thing that seems to be working on him is the placebo of putting cream directly onto his skin. Which works for as long as it takes for him to feel itchy again.

Which is about 3-5 minutes.

I’m amused watching the effects of Calpol; he looks (and sounds) like crap, then about 2 minutes after a dose, he’s excitedly playing with whatever is nearest, ignoring my pleas of “take it easy Noah” and “don’t roll around on the floor because it will make you sore” and “no, you can’t go and play outside, trust me”. This lasts about 10 minutes, then it’s back to the moaning and groaning noises of a child on their last legs.

The Mr is going to learn the hard way that pandering to this every time will land him firmly wrapped around Noah’s little finger. Isaac managed this in a very skilled fashion; I sat back, played the role of The Tough-Love Mom while laughing behind my hands. Both kiddos call for their Dad in the middle of the night now because they know I won’t sit and have a 10 minute conversation with them.

Hah.

So! Half term. It’s going to be awesome. I suspect it will look something like this:

He’s watching marathon sessions of Fireman Sam on Cartoonito. Good times, right? Good times.

Filed Under: Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), illness, MAKE IT STOP, Noah, parenting, Ultimate Stresssss

Pox Watch Day 4 – MAKE IT STOP.

January 31, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 6 Comments

Head to toe. Very bloodshot right eyeball as of about 30 minutes ago. Screams when he pees. 4 hours of sleep. Loss of appetite. Fever.

REALLY done with it now.

Filed Under: illness, Isaac, MAKE IT STOP, parenting, photos, Ultimate Stresssss

Pox Watch Day 3 – Current Observations and Birthday Thoughts

January 30, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 2 Comments

1. The spots. Will appear. Everywhere. And anywhere. If you can think of a place, they’re there. Oh, they are THERE.

2. I do not do well waking up every 1-2 hours.

3. Piriton does NOT make Isaac fall asleep.

4. Isaac let me eat my birthday breakfast of a plate of bacon. Whilst he may be ill, he is still considerate.

5. We have taught him well.

6. The Gruffalo, on repeat, somehow doesn’t get old.

7. Peppa Pig, on repeat, becomes tedious.

8. It’s amazing how you discover exactly how your body is able to mould itself into the shape of a sofa as your kid makes themselves comfy on your lap.

9. Snuggling with Isaac on a real sofa with a Graze.com box is lovely. Until he eats all your vanilla infused cherries.

10. It’s really hard to remain patient, when shit loads of lovely people suggest things to make your kiddo feel better and you’ve pretty much tried them all already. And nothing is working.

11. People are incredibly helpful.

12. It’s really ok to have some of the birthday Prosecco for your lunch, under the circumstances.

13. Somethings just do not distract from the pain. Including Lego. This makes me really sad.

14. What I think is “humour” can be really misunderstood by people who don’t really know me.

15. I have a darker sense of humour than I thought. Especially on minimal sleep and with poorly sick child.

16. It occurs to me I’m still waiting for the panic of turning 30 to settle in. 3 years ago.

17. Trying not to lose your rag when your kid is wailing for help, and you keep telling them you are doing everything you can and they just need to calm down and listen, but they keep wailing anyway, is REALLY hard. Frustration is a bitch.

18. It’s amazing how some “pyjama days” aren’t as good as you might like, and especially when all you want to do is throw yourself in the shower. *scratches*

19. I hate feeling guilty for wanting to be selfish for just 5 minutes. Just because the very poorly child with a rash the size of Africa covering his groin area, and yelled and cried all the time I was opening my presents. And yet is now sat quite happily on the sofa watching Octonauts.

20. Birthdays, Chicken Pox and children. You just can’t predict them.

Filed Under: actual happy times, assvice, birthday, illness, Isaac, Just...everything., MAKE IT STOP, Mutha-Hood, neurosis, parenting, photos, twitter, Ultimate Stresssss, wtf

Every time I have a meltdown, Good Shit happens

January 27, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 2 Comments

Anyone close enough to me will know that I pretty much have put my blood, sweat, tears, Facial Orifice Fluid and bacon drool into making my business work. When I ditched the cello completely (almost a year ago now…) and threw myself entirely into the photography, I had a fair idea of how difficult it would be. I knew, sure as fuck, that it would NOT be easy.

I’m not that stupid, thank you very much.

The thing that’s been the biggest ball ache though, is coping with the setbacks along the way. Not the lack of funds, or the lack of equipment, but the mental health setbacks. The burnouts. The meltdowns. I go through stages of putting absolutely everything into what I do. No corners cut in the slightest, no hints of slacking off, no pissing taking and absolutely staying on the ball. Of course! It’s expected with every business, right? Expected. Normally, straightforward.

Add in two demanding little boys, a house to look after and a husband to pay attention to, and suddenly it’s not so easy.

The one thing I overlooked, was becoming a combined SAHM and WAHM mom. I always thought I was just going to slot into one or the other.

I dunno, I clearly took leave of my senses for a little while back there.

So as a result, every so often, I pretty much just have a complete meltdown. Not like one of my fucked up depression episodes, where, quite frankly I could walk up to the medicine cupboard and overdose without so much as a “Thank you Bob”, but more like…a weird, horrible, childish tantrum-like meltdown. My brain goes something along the following lines:

“Fuck this shit I give up no one fucking appreciates how much fucking effort I put into this bollocks and given I don’t stop busting my ass it’s like a waste of fucking time because no one is booking me and what the fuck do I need to do should I give you blood slit directly from my own wrists because clearly that is what people want because nothing I ever frigging do is good enough and I swear to God I spend how many fucking hours a day sitting at this bastard computer constantly editing and networking and updating and don’t you fuckers sit there and tell me I spend all my time fannying about doing shit all because I do as much as I can without breaking and holy Jesus now the children are talking to me again and how am I supposed to get anything done without breaking me or screaming at them and there just isn’t enough time and I want more work but how the fuck am I supposed to cope with more work and omffffggggggggg maaaaaakkkeeeee ittttt stooooooooooooooop.”

And then I pretty much dump everything and walk away. For about 12 hours. Usually less. Because I’m a chicken. (And probably addicted {to being slaughtered like a wee baa lamb.}.)

In that very short time frame, a number of things happen.

1) I realise I’m not entirely shit, and that sometimes, I do produce good work.

2) The kiddos continue to behave in exactly the same way, because I’ve done a reasonable job of not letting them see me break.

3) I go back to thinking about my “split online identity” and question whether I’m doing too much trying to run @cosmicgirlie, my beloved outlet when I’m not blogging here, AND @JayMountford, the outlet where I pimp myself like crazy and stalk other people regularly to find work.

4) People start booking me.

Yeah, I don’t get number 4 either.

My only guess is it’s because I’ve gone through a period of putting so much effort into establishing my career, that just as I reach the point of “omffffggggggggg maaaaaakkkeeeee ittttt stooooooooooooooop”, I’ve done just about enough to put myself in the light, gain recognition, and therefore earn bookings.

Now, it’s obviously an arse that it goes this way, because frankly, that’s a real ball-achey way of doing things. It also makes me wonder if I have what it takes to continue in this industry. I second guess myself enough as it is, so these quarterly meltdowns really do make me think.

Since the start of this year, I have already done 4 photo shoots and turned down one (out of area for a portrait session), as well as having 3 further portrait enquiries. I have a total of 9 weddings booked for the year, with 3 more waiting to confirm or cancel, and have turned down one because it clashes with another wedding. I have done an impromptu photo shoot in Birmingham’s Bull Ring and have been invited to photograph CybHer. I’m about a third of my way into my second full year, and well, yeah.

I’m doing ok. I could just do with less of the meltdowns.

Filed Under: Depression, Fucked-Up-Ness, MAKE IT STOP, neurosis, twitter, Ultimate Stresssss, wtf