I’m a sap. Despite my colourful mouth and sometimes hard as nails attitude (that’s my defence mechanism, I swear to God), I’m actually quite a sap. It comes from wearing that bastard heart of mine on my sleeve.
I wish I would’t, it becomes a right pain in the, er, heart.
A while ago I posted about becoming good friends with people, and searching for the right friend, and other soppy hit like that. Over the last 4 years or so, I’ve made plenty of new friends, which is wonderful. I’ve made some awesome friends, people who I think, quite frankly, are totally kick-ass. I’ve also lost friends, which has made me really sad. Drifted apart, changed circles (damn you social media networking bastarding shit), fallen out…it’s all taught me a lot of things.
Annoyingly, it’s mostly taught me stuff about myself. I hate the sort of friend I am. I jump in with both feet first, far too much enthusiasm, full of beans…and all that shit. I don’t expect it in return, that’s for sure. I know I’m a freak when it comes to things like this. But I do wish I’d stop it. I wish I’d stop trying to be perfect for people, stop trying to find that perfection in myself. Because it’s breaking my heart.
I very often wish I would stop getting so close to people; I wish I’d stop baring my soul directly and just leave it to the outpourings of crap here on this blog. Sometimes I wonder if my blatant (and sometimes terrifying) honesty would just piss off, and I could become the world’s most awesome liar. I wish I could be blazé; not really give quite so much of a shit.
I wish I could stop being so damn clingy. Stop being so fussy.
I always envy those who have laid back friendships, much as I envy those who can have such intense friendships and not feel guilty. How do they do that? How do they have (a) friend(s) whom they’ve known for eons and forever remain close without so much as a blip? Every time I find myself getting close to someone, I want to run, because I know it’s only a matter of time before I do something to make it all go hideously wrong.
Bah. Maybe one day I’ll win the lottery and just buy all my friends. I’m sure that would be easier on the soul.
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Well, if you do win the lottery and ending going the Rent-A-Friend route, I think you'll find my rates very agreeable.
PS: There's nothing wrong with jumping in feet first. If more people did it more often, there'd be far less bullshit in the world.
I'll be honest, I wish I COULD jump in feet first more often. I think I tend to hold back a lot as I am always worrying about appearing too keen, or needy or clingy. At the end of the day I think it probably just makes me come across as cold and aloof. Meh.
Anyway, just my way of saying don't change. Cause you are awesome, and if others can't see it, that's their loss. x
While I fine being friendly and chatty, I have great difficulty in making new friends. And it's been nearly impossible to make balanced friendships! I've had to let a couple of friendships go just because I was investing too much in them. I found I was repeatedly feeling hurt in return.
I thought this social stuff was supposed to get easier as we grew up.
I jump in with both feet too and I will never regret doing it with you. Fact.
Ditto the first paragraph from Julie! This then results in me ending up finding it very difficult to make/keep new friends..
I think you are a fabulous lady, keep on doing what you're doing!
A part of me feels like you've delved deep into my brain and have written this post as me – it's exactly how I feel a lot of the time!
So much I can relate too. Thanks for posting. Its nice to know I'm not the only one. Much love xxx
I feel exactly the same. and it sucks!
*big hugs*