How To Be Put Off Having Any More Kids EVER.

July 30, 2012 By 2 Comments

You know what hurts? Sciatica.

You know what really hurts? SPD.

You know what SPD is? Let me give you a quick description.

It’s when your crotch falls apart.

There are more detailed descriptions and “real life stories“on the internet, obviously, but seriously, SPD or Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, is pretty much your crotch saying “Hi there! You know how joints and stuff move around? Well I’d like to do that too please. In fact, I’m going to move the left side of your pelvis, but make the right side stay in exactly the same place. Which shouldn’t happen. Watch this! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE IT.”

Only, that’s bull shit. Because you’re NOT gonna love it. It’s fucking bull shit.

In fact, it’s not even fucking. Because sometimes even the pain of trying to straddle your own knickers is quite similar to being hit in the crotch.

I am speaking from experience.

So, fucking isn’t going to be high on the list of Things I Want To Do.

I think, I think I could cope with the pain of sciatica alone. I can tolerate wanting to let out a blood curdling, ear piercing scream every time I feel razor sharp pain shoot from near my armpits down to my toes, but not actually screaming. I could manage the days when I pretty much can’t feel my toes, or when I’ve got pins and needles from my toes right up to my knees. Sometimes, I could even laugh when I walk a few steps, and then my hip does something a bit weird and I know that if I take another step I’ll most likely be paralized for maybe 15 seconds (which is a reeeeeeally long time when Isaac has finished pooping on the potty and you really don’t want him to stand up and hoik up his pants just yet).

But combined with SPD, that sensation of repeatedly being hit in the crotch with something like, oh I dunno, I baseball bat, or that moment when you’re cycling away and suddenly break a little too hard and slide forward off your seat onto the bar…yeah that’s no fun.

Now, I have of course been to the doctor. I went shortly after both children, and after Isaac was born, I even had scans, additional physio and sessions with an osteopath. And in true form, I just know that if I go back to the doctor, they won’t detect anything because I will suddenly not be in any pain at all when I walk through the door, and as soon I leave, the pain will return with renewed strength.

LAW. OF. SOD.

Of course, I’m a stubborn ass anyway, so it’s most likely going to get to the point where I’m crawling around on all fours before I decide to seek help. What’s the point, anyway? Same thing as ever will happen. I’ll go to get help, they’ll either prescribe drugs I don’t want to take (alcohol is the way to go, not drugs). Or, they’ll put me on some tedious waiting list. The waiting list will be either for injections (DO NOT WANT), physio (will happen once a month, would need it every day), or an operation. On my back. Possibly on my discs. Uuuhhhhhhh nah you’re alright thanks. My walking may be restricted right now, but I sure as hell like the movement I currently have.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll stick my Heelys back on, and show people that we should be born with wheels on our feet, because then we could just move, without actually having to do anything. I think it’s easy to see the awesomeness in that plan, totally. Way better than a wheelchair, I’m sure of it.

Or, maybe I’ll just stick this shit out and see how things are in a month or two. What do we want? Procrastination!!! When do we want it? Yeah I’ll come back to you later on that, I think…

Filed Under: procrastination, Sciatica, SPD

I LOVE PAIN. Apparently.

July 18, 2011 By 15 Comments

When I was pregnant with Noah, I had SPD and sciatica from about 12-ish weeks, and was on crutches by 14 weeks (right through to the end of the pregnancy). I had migraines so bad I couldn’t see and took great pleasure trying to drive at work without actually being able to see where I was going. With Isaac, well. I knew I was pregnant before I had even taken a test, since the SPD and sciatica kicked in at around 4-5 weeks. That was fun.

I knew things would subside after they wer born; there was no way this shit was going to last forever. I’d been fit as a fiddle beforehand; hell, I still have  medals and awards from my athletics competitions at school. Carrying those bastard cellos around for 26 years made sure I was fit and healthy, for sure.

So Isaac was born, and during the I’m pretty sure he obliterated all the nerves a nerve or two in my right hip. His head hadn’t engaged, so when those waters went, he slammed into my pelvis at full force (11lbs of baby inside a person is just not fun, no matter what anyone says). Instant cramp down my entire leg while pushing him out (the cramp hurt WAY more than his 2ft long body emerging from my crotch) and a slight numbness in my toes.

It’s over 2 years later, and right now, I am sitting typing this with the most excruciating pain down my right leg, and once again my toes are tingling and slightly numb. The pain is similar to the sciatica, but not how I remember it was on my left hand side. What I do know, is that it hurts like fuck.

Was it worth it? Of COURSE it was bloody worth it. I’ve got two of the most gorgeous kids ever to walk the Earth.

But the pain..oh god the pain. D and I talk about having a third. All these maternity and newborn photo shoots I’m doing at the mo are making me broody as hell. We always wanted three. But pregnancy screws my entire body over something chronic, I don’t know if I could handle it. I actually LOVED having a maternity bump, and that weird “Earth Mom” empowered thing you get after delivery was pretty awesome, both times.

And I sit here and think, how bad can it be? I can handle it. It’d TOTALLY be worth it, and it’d be over in about a year.

A year is a long time to be in pain, especially when done voluntarily. And let’s not even load PPD into the equation. Noooo let’s just not go there.

As I move around the house in the last few weeks, I honestly have to be careful not to scream in pain whenever I move wrong. Whether this fucked-up nerve on my right is now sciatica, I don’t know. The pregnancy sciatica was on my left hand side, damage from Isaac was on my right. But I do know that it hurts like a bitch, and my toes are currently numb or tingling 24/7.

Bah. Maybe the decision is already made for me.

Filed Under: assvice, Fucked-Up-Ness, Labour, maternity, Mutha-Hood, nursery, pregnancy, SPD, Ultimate Stresssss

40 and more

April 23, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 40+2 days
Month: 10
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks
Time to Go: And already that’s not even funny any more.
Size: Roughly the size of the bull in the field opposite my house
Time til potential induction: 1 day. Hm.

And still going strong. Though I did have a Super-Poop yesterday, followed by contractions that were definitely worth writing home about. I would have been more excited though, had they been getting closer together rather than the sporadic random timing with which they presented themselves. Love to keep me guessing eh?? Thanks!

And of course, visit from AMW yesterday, who looked at me a little disbelievingly at the fact that I HADN’T GIVEN BIRTH YET. Yes lady, I’m still preggo, come join the party! She did, however, announce that the head is now 1/5 engaged (which basically means that it’s almost rammed into my crotch and ready to go). As a subsequent pregnancy, this can only be good news given that I’m told on a DAILY basis that subsequent babies don’t engage until the last minute.

Of course, one may need to define the meaning of “minute” to an unborn, cos clearly, some just don’t get it.

I obviously tried not to get excited last night, and found that it was actually quite easy to not get excited to be honest. I’m quite cynical at the moment about it all, and half expect to go into labour AFTER tomorrows meeting with the consultant. Which is fine; I know I went 3 days over with Noah, and according to the due dates at the hospital I am currently 40+1. Which is fine. If we were to go RIGHT back and go by “real” dates, I don’t think I’d actually be due until next Wednesday (which is even funnier and something not worth thinking about right now).

I guess it’s time to start walking. Cos you know, SPD + walking = AWESOME.

Incidentally, people, I WILL update when I know I’m on labour I can assure you. You’re welcome to follow my updates on  which will probably give the most up-to-date commentary I can do, or check my facebook page if you’re there and I’ll try to do the same there. Trust me, I don’t think I’m going to suddenly forget to announce I’m in labour and/or delivered a 27lb infant. Unless I’m truly drugged up of course.

Filed Under: 40 weeks, Midwife, Poopgate, pooping, SPD

No More Drama

January 28, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 28+0 days
Month: 7
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 26 weeks
Heartbeat: 140 summat
Time to Go: 83 days
Size: Leaning Tower of Pisa
Time til 4D Scan: 6 days
Days til I hit 30: TWO. TWO days and I’m thirty. Uh, whoop.

We are inconclusive. Noah has been to the docs, had everything checked (including the mysterious rash that had appeared on his neck in the space of 3 hours), inside his ears are slightly red but not inflamed, chest and throat clear, still has a slight temperature and we have to keep an eye on the rash (which was almost gone by the time he went to bed, 2 hours later).

The most we can get? Viral infection. That classic answer when no one AT ALL knows what the hell is wrong. But you know, that’s ok. People have offered up a million different answers to what is wrong, which is fair enough. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t give a monkeys to what’s wrong, I just want my little guy better.

It’s been such a shitty run of illnesses for him, and I know everyone (worldwide) is doing every sick bug under the sun at the mo. But I just want him to catch a break; long enough for him to not deal with F.O.F. or non-stop coughing or mysterious rashes which come and go in the blink of an eye.

So now, we just keep the Calpol to hand, and always be ready with a large stash of cuddles and burpess and dummies).

In other news, my SPD is now so chronic, Physiotherapist #3 is BOOKING ME IN for weekly appointments now. I think it may have something to do with the fact that on Monday my hips were misaligned by about two inches. Also, one side of my pelvis at the front had shifted out of place by about an inch, maybe an inch and a half. And people think I’m shitting them when I say it hurts to do anything.

I’d gotten to the point where my crutches (yes, from my pregnancy with Noah, which I may have neglected to return) were pretty useless, and every movement left me with tears in my eyes. Not my scene.

So she did her magic manipulation (after marvelling about it with a student, which made me laugh, maybe cos I was proud to be such a fine example?) and mother of god yes it hurt while she did it, but I can walk faster than a snail now, which is helpful. I’m sad that Noah wants to be picked up, like any little boy would, and I can barely do it; this breaks my heart, but I’d rather I cry with pain than have him cry because his mom won’t cuddle him, ya know? How’s the kid to understand?

So fingers crossed, SPD won’t necessarily get better, but hopefully we can keep it under better control. I’m thinking of having Phys. #3 move into our house.

I have to say, I’m REALLLLLLLLY looking forward to the 4d scan on Monday; I feel like T.O.O. has barely had any attention already, and that’s why it spends more time than Noah did making sure it kicks the living crap out of my system. Have you ever been lying on your side, and been kicked so hard from the inside you actually roll over? It’s very surreal. We won’t be finding out the gender, but needless to say I will probably spend hours scanning the dvd afterwards for any clues that only an amateur would pick up on.

I’m NOT looking forward to the GTT on Tuesday, as the last thing I could do with is another “told you so” from the medical world (especially after how much I adore them already). But hey, they wanna do their tests which is fair enough. I will not say “told you so” if everything comes back normal. Also I will not be pissed off if everything goes pear shaped.*

Another thing I AM looking forward to is a trip down to the south coast at the start of Feb; I’m going to see a friend who I’ve never met in person. We’ve spoken many times, and I first got in touch with him by texting him pics of Noah to compare to his own newborn and offering some breastfeeding advice this time last year.

He has no newborn, and I’m hoping to sweet lord in heaven that he does not breastfeed his 2 twenty-something sons.**

I’m going down on my own, without Noah or D, and staying in a hotel on the coast; and I’m excited because it’s going to be 2 days of just me. It sounds so selfish, and I know I’ll feel a little bit guilty while I’m down there, but this will be the first real break from everything in what feels like an eternity. And it’s a break I need, hopefully just to put my head back on the right way round for a little while. Maybe escape some of this endless flying poop.

*Both of these statements are of course blatant lies.
**I hasten to add I thought I was texting someone else, until he politely told me I’d got the wrong number. (EPIC FAIL).

Filed Under: 4d scan, baby kicking, birthday, illness, Mocha II, Noah, SPD